Skip to content

A Modest Proposal

Image: PV Bella

Most people are basically good. If they had a voice or sayso, they would do whatever they could to help solve some of the serious issues we face in Chicago.

The problem arises when these good people become politicians and get elected to office.

Take the Chicago City Council, for example. Listening to most of the aldercreatures or seeing them work is like looking in the mirror, watching a fly die on your face.

The few good aldercreatures are overshadowed by a mob of greedy, power-hungry, two-year-olds stomping their feet, pounding their chubby tiny fists while shitting the floor.

There is supposed to be a Board of Ethics enforcing, well, ethics. When it comes to the alercreatures, everything they determine is kept from public view. It is a big secret. There is zero transparency and less than zero accountability.

Aldercreatures are immune from being investigated by the Inspector General or any other city agency. When it comes to ethics, like other nocturnal creatures, aldercreatures operate in the dark.

Last week, Aldercreature Carrie “Cash and Carry Austin,” was indicted on federal corruption charges. She joins aldercreature, Ed “Hamburglar,” Burke, who is awaiting trial.

The City Council has a long, sordid history of corruption going back to its inception. The corruption is systemic and intractable. Since the 1970s, thirty aldercreatures were indicted, tried, and convicted of various crimes by the federal government.

When it comes to ethics, accountability, and transparency, there are none in the City Council. Too many aldercreatures are adherents to the Eleventh Commandment, Thou shalt not get caught.

It is past time for changes to be made. The Chicago City Council should be put under a federal consent decree and a federal monitor should be appointed. Deadlines must be set for reforms to take place until reforms are instituted, implemented, and codified by ordinance.

Systemic corruption must be wiped out.

This is a modest proposal for reform:

  • Aldercreature will be defined as a full-time job, and they must spend 40 hours per week working in City Hall
  • Aldercreatures will be prohibited from operating a business, practice, or profession during their terms of office
  • Aldercreatures will have the same benefits as city employees and pay the same costs, eliminating their freebies, and Rolls Royce benefits
  • All aldermanic privileges will be stripped away, though their imput will be considered
  • Aldercreatures must report all sources of outside income quarterly
  • The income reports will be made public
  • A new, independent and transparent, Board of Ethics should be appointed- preferably elected
  • There will be an appointed independent City Council Inspector General to investigate and hold aldercreatures accountable
  • Both the Board of Ethics and the Inspector General will issue quarterly unredacted reports
  • All City Council meetings, including committee meetings, must be live-streamed and posted to the internet within one hour of their adjourning
  • Aldercreatures must wear and activate body cameras at all times while interacting with the public, including, but not limited to business people, campaign donors, and favor seekers
  • Live streams and body camera footage will be handled by the Inspector General
  • Aldercreatures must report any offers of corruption to the Inspector General within 24 hrs. They will not be allowed to view body-cam footage before reporting the incident(s)
  • Aldercreatures will be forbidden from having an interest in businesses or practicing professions that create a conflict of interest. They include but are not limited to real estate tax law, zoning law, licensing, city vendors, and others.
  • Aldercreatures will be forbidden to accept campaign contributions from businesses or professions that create a conflict of interest, including public employee unions (Thechnically, they are management and the union contributions are a legal form of bribery)

I had one other proposal, but people told me it was too extreme and may violate the civil rights of aldercreatures. Aldercreatures, not being human, should be caged in their offices and only let out for city council and committee meetings. They must wear inoculation and license tags and be kept on leashes at all times.

There is another issue with that proposal. The city would have to hire zookeepers 24-7 for the care, feeding, cleaning, and training of aldercreatures. Who would want that job?

Published inUncategorized