Last updated on December 15, 2023
Twas the night before Christmas, and all tru da house
Not a creature was stirring, not even da louse
Da stockins were hung by da chimney wid care
The stink they gave off fouled up da air
Da children was nestled all snug in dere beds
Wid visions of my hand smacking dere heads
The gumad in her thong and me with my bong
Had just took a hit that was way too long
When out on da street dere was such a clatter
I stumbled from bed to see what was da matter
I tripped on da floor while makin a dash
tore open da winder and found my old stash
The moon on da street lit da crappy new snow
It shone so bright on da hookers below
When what to my waterin eyes when I looks
Some sled skidding down wid eight crazy mooks
Some drunken dwarf driver so clumsy and thick
I knew in a moment it was Little Nick
Wid bats and bricks they tripped as they came
Nick whistled and shouted and called them by name
Yo Abie! Yo Joey!
Yo Sal! Yo Cockeye!
Yeah, Screwy! Yo Mooney!
Hey Donnie! Yo Mugsy!
Get up dat porch
To da top a da wall
Dat fat bumb made da freakin call
Like alley rats dat scurry wid daylight
When de meet da wind dey go to flight
So up da fire escape, da cousins dey ran
Wid bats and bricks and gasoline can
And in a twinkle, I hear on da roof
The scraping and pawing of each little goof
As I cleared my head and turned around
Down da chimney, Little Nick did bound
He was dressed in fur from his head to his foot
Da fur was all covered wid cinders and soot
A buncha junk he had on his back
He looked like a teef openin his pack
His eyes bloodshot, his dimples how stubbled
His cheeks were unshaven his nose was all hairy
He smelled like Four Roses
He had too much merry
The stump of a joint he held tight in his teet
Da smoke of the cheap stuff smelled like dirty feet
He had a face like a toad and a big round belly
Dat shook when he yelled like a bowl full of jelly
He was chubby and plump, an angry old elf
And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself
A wink of his eye and twist of his head
Let me know I would soon be dead
He did’n say nuttin. He went to work
Beatin on me like I was a jerk
I laid a fist on da side a his nose
Kicked im in da ass en up da chimney he rose
He sprang to his sled to his team gave a whistle
En da cousins ran so fast dey looked like a missile
I heard him yell as he drove outta sight
Dis ain’t de end
Dere’ll be an udder night