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Month: March 2022

The Ukraine Pirates are we

The streetlamps are on in Ukraine tonight
And the Russians are running to ground
Leaving their junk behind
And Putin  is dosing and the Fatman’s counting the tanks
And there’s more tanks than places to put ’em, he said
But I’ve got room for them all
So round ’em up boys
’cause I want some more toys
Hit the road where the convoy stalled

To me way, hay
Tow them away
The Ukraine Farmers are we
From Kyiv to Sumy
There’s nothing so gloomy
                                                       And we always collect our fee
(Apologies to Steve Goodman)

Ukrainians are religious people. During Putin’s terrorism against their homeland, they prayed for salvation in any form.

The Great Comedian looked down with pity on his children. He called Satan and had Ross Cascio, AKA the Fatman, the former owner of Lincoln Towing, brought to Him. Lincoln Towing was the most notorious towing company in Illinois. It was the subject of the Steve Goodman song, the “Lincoln Park Pirates.” It was also the subject of several Mike Royko columns.

Cascio did not look worse for the wear for someone who spent his time in Hell. He looked hale, happy, and hardy, except for some singed ear and nose hair. Cascio stood before the Great Comedian puffing a large black oily cigar.

God asked him why he was not suffering like the others in Hell. The Fatman shrugged and replied that he made a deal with the Devil. He and his band of graduates from the Charm School in Joliet became Satan’s enforcers.

The Great Comedian offered Cascio a better deal, a deal with Him.

“The people of Ukraine are suffering. But the Russians are abandoning their tanks and other vehicles. They are running around like heads with their chickens cut off. I will commute your sentence in Hell, temporarily return you to mortal life, and then bring you to Heaven. You must go to Ukraine and develop a way to “relocate” the abandoned vehicles. The Ukrainians can use the tanks against the Russians. Later, you can show them how to sell them for scrap to raise money to cover their losses. It is long past time you became a humanitarian.”

The Fatman looked down and thought for a moment. In typical Chicago- Italian fashion, he put his palms up, shrugged his shoulders, and said, “Yeah, sure.”

 One second, he was standing before the Great Comedian. The next he was in Ukraine. He discovered he could speak and understand the language. He secured transportation to one of the abandoned convoys. There were several abandoned tanks surrounded by Ukrainians.

Cascio realized he was in a farming community. Farmers have tractors and earth-moving equipment. He told people to have the farmers bring their equipment. There were large numbers of tractors and other equipment by the following day.

The Fatman told the farmers to attach chains and tow bars the tanks to tractors until there were enough to pull them. Once that was figured out, they went to work. One by one, the tanks were towed, Destroyed tanks were booby-trapped and used to strategically block the road from any future tank convoys.

Being an entrepreneurial type, Cascio also had Russian armored vehicles and trucks towed. He towed them all away. Day after day, his crew of farmers went to abandoned convoys, towing tanks, and other Russian equipment.

In one instance, they towed a tank with Russians still inside. They popped out and began to run. They bumped into their guards, who left to forage for food. They ran off, stumbling, bumbling, and slogging through the muddy farm fields.

Cascio realized he may need more help if they encountered Russian soldiers. He convinced the government to lend him some students from the charm school at Lukyanivska. They arrived the next day, looking like the meanest band of cutthroat pirates The Fatman ever saw. His former crew was wusses compared to these guys.

Ross Cascio is reveling in his role as The Ukraine Tank Pirate. He is reliving his life all over again on a grander scale. Cascio sent the Russian government a Lincoln Park Towing bill for each tank towed as a joke. He would sell each one for one U.S. dollar to the Ukraine resistance if they did not pay.

IMAGE: Courtesy of the Geriatric Genius

It is said Putin is twirling, swirling, and spinning over Cascio and his Ukraine Tank Pirates. He even tried sending a delegation to Chicago to learn how to deal with the Fatman. They were met with disdain, shrugged shoulders, and palms up. “Nuttin we kin do. Da Fatman is dead. Tell ya boss to lay off da bong.”

NOTE: What is happening in Ukraine is heartbreaking. However, the sight of farmers towing Russian tanks is humorous and embarrassing to Putin.

As to the conflict, contrary to what everyone thinks, Putin is not conducting a “special operation or a war. It is an act of terrorism. Unfortunately, no one in the world has the guts to call him a terrorist or label the Russian Federation as a terrorist organization. That is my opinion, and I am sticking to it.

You did it Chicago

Image: PV Bella

I was dreamin’ when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin’
Could’ve sworn it was judgment day…

Say, say, 2000-00, party over
Oops, out of time
So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999
(1999/Prince)

On St. Patrick’s day two years ago, I celebrated in my local saloon with friends. There was a full buffet, and we had a great time. The next afternoon, after watching Jeopardy with some of the same group- a daily activity- Governor Pritzker was on the news, fulminating over the various St. Pat’s celebrations. The COVID-19 shutdowns began.

We masked up, social distanced for almost two years, stayed home and followed the protocols and mandates. I usually have a jaded position on Chicago, Cook County, and Illinois elected officials. Chicagoans have a love-hate relationship with our mayors. We hate to love them and love to hate them. But I am fair and believe in giving credit where credit is due.

Mayor Lori Lightfoot and her team led a calm response to the pandemic. They tried to keep the numbers down, hospitals from overflowing, and more importantly, keeping the death toll as low as possible. Working with the Governor and his team, their policies kept most of us alive and as healthy as possible. Public safety and public health are the highest priorities of the government. Lightfoot failed and is still failing on public safety. But she succeeded in the public health arena.

Yes, the mandates were a pain in the ass. No one likes wearing masks, looking like a bandit, and putting up with the discomfort. No, our freedumbs were not inhibited. Freedom has some responsibilities, like keeping ourselves and others safe. I am fortunate to live in a great walking neighborhood, with two large parks bordering the north and south and a plaza. I could go for daily long walks, weather permitting. I met new acquaintances.

Yes, the COVID mandates caused anger in some. TFB. There were times when mandates were worse. People were quarantined in their homes during typhoid, T.B., the so-called Spanish Flu, and other contagions. They were imprisoned. Signs were posted on doors by the Chicago Police Department. There was even an order prohibiting police officers from using the butts of their pistols to nail quarantine signs to the doors.

While our elected officials deserve some credit, the real credit goes to you, the citizens. You followed the mandates. You kept yourselves, families, friends, and the rest of us safe. You deserve a hearty pat on the back. The few freedumb lovers in this city deserve several swift kicks in the ass.

The heroes during the pandemic were essential workers. Cops, firefighters, EMTs, health care professionals and workers, retail workers, cab and rideshare workers, CTA personnel, and a long list of others. They went to work every day providing for us. City workers made sure Chicago stayed the City that Works. They were out daily, keeping things running as smooth as possible. So were the utility companies’ workers.

A shout-out goes to Chicago restaurants and cooks who provided free, or through others, food to health care workers, cops, and fire personnel. Former Mayor Rahm Emanuel showed up at several hospitals, bringing food to the workers. In small or large ways, other people pitched in to ensure the most vulnerable among us had their needs met.

So, now that we are finally free from most mandates and protocols, congratulate yourself, Chicago. You did it. You drove the numbers down to the point we are open, and business is back to nearly normal. We can do the things we missed.

I wrote and edited this a saloon. It is one of the places where I can be away from home, be amongst my so-called fellow humans, and interact or be left the f**k alone.

It ain’t over yet, but the end looks near. We may soon party like it’s 1999.

IMAGE: UNK/Facebook

Someone needs to advise Mayor Lori Lightfoot on her clothing choices as a side note. If you are going to wear an Irish kilt to a parade, learn to wear it properly, you know, lok like you are Irish. My Irish friends and Scots relatives were appalled at her wardrobe at the South Side St. Patrick’s parade.

Shakespeare in Chicago

Image: PV Bella

“If I did this, then it means I stuck my fist in the fears of Black Americans in this country for over 400 years, and the fears of the LGBT community,” he said. “Your honor, I respect you, and I respect the jury, but I did not do this. And I am not suicidal, and if anything happens to me when I go in there, I did not do it to myself.” (Jussie Smollett)

I have seen a lot of courtroom drama during my time as a police officer. Usually, the dramatists are the attorneys arguing their cases.

Jussie Smollett’s soliloquy after he was sentenced was one of the most incredible performances I ever saw in a Chicago courtroom. It is worthy of a Jeff Award.

Smollett is the Thespian of Chicago. His performance was dramatically charged. His oration was precise and emotional. He timed his rising anger perfectly, yelling louder as bailiffs led him to the holding area.

Jussie Smollett could partner with his Chicago patroness, Kim Foxx, another accomplished emotional, dramatic writer, orator, and thespian. They could write a Chicago Way Shakespearean tragedy.

Jussie must do something during his incarceration. The play would have a cast of backstabbers, charlatans, frauds, friends, allies, enemies, frenemies, traitors, connivers, avengers, retributionists, mobs, and fools. You know, the gamut of Chicago politics.

The plot could revolve around justice, injustice, retribution, revenge, greed, life, death, conspiracies, mob justice, race, misogyny, LGBQT+ issues, power, power struggles, and the Chicago Way.

The nice thing is many of the cast can play themselves.

  • Jussie Smollett as Prince Jamlet
  • The Tuna Sub Sandwich as itself
  • Kim Foxx as Grandis Accusator Vulpes
  • Rahm Emanuel as Arbius Truncus
  • Lori Lightfoot Imperatrix Maximus Virgam
  • Toni Preckwinkle as Summum Princeps Maximus
  • The Osundario brothers as Otello and Moro
  • Chicago Police Officers as Urbs Legio
  • Chicago Police Detectives as Legio Inquisitores
  • Chicago News Media as Equos Asininus
  • Citizens of Chicago (The chorus) as Stultus Suffragi

After two years of the pandemic, Chicago deserves good theatrical entertainment. Maybe the Goodman or Steppenwolf would be an appropriate venue for the production.

The play opens on one of the coldest days of the year. The main character, Prince Jamlet, braves the below-zero weather in the wee hours of the morning to get a tuna sub sandwich. As he returns, fighting the arctic temperatures, polar bears, and Innuits, he is attacked by two men wearing MAGA hats. They call him racial and homophobic slurs. They punch and push him around. They douse Jamlet with bleach and place a crude noose around his neck. The Stultus Suffragii sings the opening song, a, maybe the theme from Rocky.

All the while, Jamlet holds on to that tuna sandwich for dear life. When the duo flees, Jamlet composes himself and walks the rest of the way home in the Arctic cold, with a death grip on the tuna sandwich and the noose around his neck.

While waiting for the police, Prince Jamlet delivers a soliloquy to the tuna sandwich, as he holds it aloft, as violins softly play in the background.

“Alas, poor Sandwich! I knew them, Otello and Moro, fellows of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy; they hath provided illicit substances for me a thousand times…”

When the tale of woe came out, it shocked the world. The Legio Inquisitores were sent throughout the land to find those who committed this heinous deed. Soon, they found the culprit. It was none other than Prince Jamlet himself.

Former Caesar Arbius Truncus was furious. His Inquisitores spent days investigating only to discover the crime was a hoax. Otello and Moro were paid by Jamlet to do this. They turned on him to save themselves.

Grandis Accusator Vulpes at first approved charges against Jamlet. Then, after the intervention of Jamlet’s family and influential political and Hollywood royalty, she refused to prosecute Jamlet.

Caesar Arbious Truncus was infuriated. He wanted heads to roll. He needed them to create a new game called bowling. The orchestra plays “Anger of the Gods.”

Grandis Accusator Vulpes defended herself in dramatic soliloquies, citing truth, justice, and the Chicago Way. She claimed she did nothing wrong and performed well within the rules of the Chicago Way.

Time wore on. Jamlet was free. Caesar Arbius Truncus leaves the stage. Imperatrix Maximus Virgam enters.

Accusator Vulpes is tossed to the side and replaced by a Speciale Accusator. Summum Princeps Maximus was infuriated that a jurist would override Accusator Vulpes and appoint a special prosecutor. She used her massive powers in a failed attempt to keep the honest judge from being reelected. She is conspiring to go after the enemies of Accusator Vulpes. She will do all in her power to crush them.

Jamlet is finally tried, convicted, and sentenced. Justice is served. Jamlet is removed from the courtroom after giving his soliloquy. (The orchestra and the Stultus Suffragii sing a triumphant song.)

Accusator Vulpes is infuriated. She pens a dramatic piece to be scribed and delivered throughout the land, criticizing the whole process and the sentencing.

The play ends with Prince Jamlet sitting alone in his gaol cell. He bitterly clings to a rolled-up hand towel for dear life, pretending it is a tuna sandwich. He delivers another soliloquy, holding the sandwich aloft.

“Alas, Tuna Sandwich. Otello and Moro are traitors. I am innocent. I did not do this. I am innocent. I am not suicidal. I am not suicidal. If anything happens to me, I am not suicidal.”

Chicago’s Humanitarian Heroes

We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
Just for one day
                                         We can be Heroes
(Heroes/David Bowie)

All heroes do not wear capes or uniforms. Some wear chef coats.

There is no greater love than feeding people. Cooking and sharing food with people are acts of love. Cooks love to feed people. It is that simple.

One of my heroes is world-renowned chef Jose Andres. He started World Central Kitchen to feed people facing natural and human disasters. Within days, he was on the ground with his people setting up food distribution. At the Polish border with Ukraine, he worked with partner restaurants, community kitchens, and numerous volunteers to provide sustenance to refugees fleeing Ukraine.

Jose Andres is feeding people and sharing love. Jose Andres is a stellar example of harnassing the power of humanity.

In Chicago, another hero emerged. Chef Tony Priolo, the owner of Piccolo Sogno, one of this city’s most renowned Italian Restaurants, reached out to fellow owners and chefs to hold a chef-driven fundraising drive to raise money for Ukraine, donating the proceeds to World Central Kitchen. Priolo was deeply affected by the refugee crisis and Jose Andres’ efforts.

Within a short time, many replied, and Navy Pier was secured to hold the event, named, Chicago Cooks for Ukraine. 70 chefs will cook for 1000 people on March 16th. The list of chefs is a Who’s Who of culinary award winners. The event is being sponsored by Lifeway Foods. Other food purveyors are endorsing the event. They are a Who’s Who of Chicago businesses.

General admission tickets are $150.00. VIP tickets are $500.00. Sponsorship tickets range in price from $5000.00-$50,000. The sponsorships have various perks.

What is happening in Ukraine is heartbreaking. Well over a million refugees fled Putin’s terror war. Poland stepped in to assist. Other nations are providing necessities to the refugees.

We should be proud that Chicago food entities are stepping up to do something. Jose Andres did a wonderful thing when he established World Central Kitchen. Now, Chicago chefs and businesses are raising money for a great cause.

There are some good people in this city of scoundrels. People who not only empathize and sympathize but take action. The restaurant and food community banded together to raise humanitarian aid for people who suffered unimaginable horrors. They suffered the terrors of war. They uprooted their lives to leave their country, many walking on foot. They are dependent on the largesse of others.

Here is the article about Tony Priolo’s efforts. You may want to patronize some of the restaurants or other businesses stepping up to help Ukraine.

Justice for Jussie is done

“How can an individual who’s been embraced by the city of Chicago turn around and slap everyone in this city in the face by making these false claims?” (Former Chicago Police Superintendent, Eddie Johnson/WGN)

Several years ago, I was having coffee with detectives in their office. There was a thick file on the desk. I thought it might be some high-profile murder case. The sergeant told me it was the Chris Farley Death Investigation file. A comedian on SNL, Farley died of a cocaine and morphine overdose in his Michigan Avenue apartment. I had seen thinner files on major murder cases.

The brass did not want another John Belushi event when the news media, especially the tabloids, were digging up information and publishing it for the hungry, drooling, rubes, and bark chewers who inhabit this country.

Every time a piece about Farley came out, detectives were assigned to buy the paper or magazine, investigate the reportage, and submit a report. The file was so thick due to the contents of the various publications.

This brings us to Jussie Smollett, AKA Maximus Mendax. The Chicago Police Department took the case very seriously, even if at the beginning the case stunk to high heaven. Can you imagine the reporting officers calling in to check the whereabouts of Kanye West? (A proclaimed Trump/MAGA supporter at the time)

As the story spread throughout the media world and Smollett’s story quickly fell apart, the department continued to investigate, with detectives and police officers working overtime.

Kim Foxx stepped in and essentially dropped the charges as a favor to her Hollywood pals, a political powerhouse attorney, and the Smollett family. Foxx refuses to prosecute most people for felonies, lest their families are harmed for the actions of the felons.

Today Smollett faced his punishment.

“At the conclusion of a three-year firestorm of allegations he faked a hate crime attack on himself, Jussie Smollett was sentenced to 30 months of probation on Thursday for his conviction in the hoax — and he must spend the first 150 days of the sentence in Cook County Jail.” (Chicago Tribune)

Smollett’s hoax not only wasted police resources. It severely damaged the LGBQT+ community, people of color, celebrities, and others who may report hate crimes with unusual circumstances. Law enforcement may spend more resources than necessary to ensure claims of hate crimes are not a hoax.

No matter how severe or lenient, whatever penalty he received will not repair his damage to hate crime victims and investigations. Kim Foxx should be in for the severest and harshest criticism for refusing to prosecute Smollett. She showed her disdain for hate crime hoaxes.

As seen in the video above, Smollett delivered an award-winning performance stating over and over he is not suicidal. Does he think he is Jeffery Epstein?

Smollett does not deserve to live in our city. When he is released from jail, he should be shunned wherever he goes. Smollett should be humiliated to the point he leaves town for good. It is a pity we cannot legally deport him.

Smollett is now a convicted felon. There are a host of things he can no longer do. His reputation is in tatters. He brought this on himself and deserves whatever adverse consequences come his way. This sentence is an example to others who may want to perpetrate a hate crime hoax. The sentence is not retribution, as Smollett’s family and supporters claim. It is justice.

Kim Foxx claimed she will address her actions on this case after it is over. Well, it is done. I fully expect an Academy Award winning performance with some stand-up comedy thrown in for good measure.

Nomen Ludus

Deities of Ancient Rome/Artist UNK/Creative Commons /Digital Enhancement PV Bella

Chicago politicians are treated like ancient Roman deities. They are revered, worshipped, and more importantly, feared.

I do not understand why people idolize politicians. Idolizing a politician is like believing a stripper or prostitute loves you. Living in Chicago, I realized why the Great Comedian only let Noah only put animals on the ark.

In Chicago, there are too few politicians to idolize or admire. Most are deserving of disrespect and derision. They give low-lives a good name. Some elected officials provide entertainment and comedic relief when they are not plundering our pockets with taxes or grabbing graft.

Our politicians are also noted for their colorful hyperbole. Mayor Lori Lightfoot topped the cake when she remarked about her d**k size.

It is not just politicians who deserve derision. The Superintendent of Police and First deputy Superintendent are the best comedy team in town. They are running the Chicago Police Department like the Keystone Cops.

Getting angry over how this city is being run into the ground is futile since the voters have pea-sized brains. They keep electing and reelecting these people. There is only one thing to do, poke fun at them.

Chicago politicians and other notables are known for their colorful nicknames like our former outfit characters. There were Hinky Dink, Bathhouse, Gray Wolves, The Undertaker, Fast Eddy, and Big Bill, to name a few.

Columnist John Kass took things to a more academic level by using Latin nicknames. First, it was Commodious Maximus for Governor Pritzker. He recently named Mayor Lori Lightfoot Phallus Maximus due to her bragging about her d**k size.

The mayor and governor are not the only ones who deserve Latin appellations. Others in this Ventosus Urbs should have Latin nicknames. A few more than one.

So, let’s play the Nomen Ludus, The Name Game.

Populus Chicago Quiritium, amicique et cives mei, benigne me attenteque audiatis.*

Mike Madigan

  • Holoserica Malleus/Velvet Hammer
  • Torva Serpens/Grim Creeper
  • Crypta Custos/Crypt Keeper
  • Inclementia Caesar/Merciless Emperor

Cook County Board President Toni Preckwinkle:

  • Machina Bulla/Machine Boss
  • Magnus Maculus/Big Stick
  • Tace Malum Maga/Silent Evil Magician

Chief Judge Tim Evans

  • Dominus Ito Per/Mr. Go Along

State’s Attorney Kim Foxx

  • Minima I Adsignatos/Mini Me Minion

Regina de Mortum/Queen of Death

Alderwoman Michele Smith

  • Aureum Sibilus Ceraula/Golden Whistle Blower

Alderman Ed Burke

  • Maximus Thunnus/Big Tuna

Superintendent of Police David Brown

  • Bovis Puer/Cowboy

First Deputy Superintendent of Police Eric Carter

  • Equus Asinus/Horse’s A**

Alderman James Gardiner

  • Vitiosus Canis/Vicious Dog

Alderman Patrick Thompson**

  • Maximus Corripio Manus/Big Stealing Hands

Alderman Scott Waguespack

  • Dominus Mundus/Mister Clean

Alderman James Cappleman

  • Dominus Scire Nihil/Mister Know Nothing

The Feds

  • MaximusCurrus Legio/Big Chariot Legion

Last but not least, Chicagoans

  • Stolidus Cives Vet/Stupid Citizen Voters

*People of Chicago citizens, and my friends and fellow citizens, listen to me kindly and attentively.

**Thompson resigned due to his indictment for financial crimes.

Chicago’s biggest and best

Image: Grubhub

“At #BarTucci Homemade Italian Food, we are a FAMILY made up of Italian-Americans, Asian-Americans, African-Americans, Latino-Americans, but most importantly a FAMILY made up of just plain old great HUMAN BEINGS.

The BarTucci Family and #BarTucciGivesBack have always led by example to help strengthen our community and culture.

But sometimes, you just need to put it on the table…📏

This weekend’s dinner special was brought to you by the Mayor of Chicago, Lori Lightfoot, and her vulgar comments towards Italian Americans.

🍆𝙒𝙚𝙚𝙠𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙎𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙞𝙖𝙡: “The Lori Lightfoot” 🍆

FREE 9″ Italian Sausage braised in white wine, garlic, and bay leaves with proof that you liked, shared, or commented on this post.

𝒪𝒻𝒻𝑒𝓇 𝒶𝓋𝒶𝒾𝓁𝒶𝒷𝓁𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝒹𝒾𝓃𝑒-𝒾𝓃 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 (Bar Tucci/Facebook)

It was only a matter of time. When the story about Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s claim to have the “biggest d**k in Chicago, our creatives in the food world rose to the challenge, as you can see from the above Facebook post.

Others are joining the fray.

Lloyds Westside Maxwell St. Polish offers the Lightfootlong, a twelve-inch Polish sandwich with grilled onions.

Putanesca Bakery is offering a pastry swap with longer cannoli they created. “Leave a strap-on. Take the cannoli.”

Disco Danny’s, a South Side retro 70’s bar and restaurant offers Lori’s Long Dong for stuffing down the front of those retro tight-fitting disco pants. to “impress” the ladies.

Kluski Lane, a concept restaurant and sex toy shop, is offering the Lightfootski, a dinner of kielbasa, the length of your choice served with indyk kulki over noodles.

Krapisski’s Deli has several hanging and swinging smoked and cured Priapus brand sausages in various lengths and girths. They are sold by the inch instead of the pound.

Chisicle Freeze offers the Lorisicle, “The Biggest Popsicle in Chicago.” Their proprietary process. It melts slower and lasts longer.

Southwest Side Chi-Tex Tamales offers the Pie Ligero, a foot-long tamale with chorizo sheathed in their signature tubular wrapper. They are sold frozen by the half dozen for pick up at their drive-through in the rear entry of the factory.

 Goose Island Beef, a manufacturer of proprietary wieners for others, offers The Best Biggest Wiener in Chicago, fourteen inches, sheathed in a natural casing. They partnered with Bum-Bun bakery, which made buns to stick the wieners in. You can order both by the dozen for pick-up at their factory store.

Beanie Weenies, the smallest hot dog stand in Chicago, offers the ten-inch Lori Hot Dong on a sesame seed bun, dragged through the garden. The sandwich comes with a side of their famous baked beans .

Hinky Dinks, an Irish restaurant, and bar, offers a longer version of their Irish breakfast sausages, Lori’s Biggest Bangers. They are only sold at breakfast with toast or the full Irish breakfast. They will not be sold on Sundays.

Jilly’s Best Beef offers the Biggest Lori Combo, their famous Italian beef sandwich with a footlong house-made Italian sausage nestled in their artisan bread, topped with sweet and hot. It is only sold dipped.

Tommy Salami, Chicago’s Salami King, created specially shaped large hard salamis. They are hanging prominently in his store.

Simco’s Hungarian Deli created a nine-inch smoked paprika sausage called the Long Dong Lori. It is available while quantities last.

Schwanz Sausage Shop and Deli offers a unique selection of smoked and cured sausages in various lengths and shapes, all sheathed in natural casings called  Licht Fuß. Being up to the challenge, they will give you bragging rights to own the biggest sausage in Chicago, hard or semi-soft in their natural casings. Call to order in the length you desire. There is a two-week wait.

As late spring through early fall brings street fests, one of the corn dog producers will be providing a foot-long dog on a stick. It is called Lori’s Biggest Stick. Festival vendors already have orders in. It comes with a dipping sauce.

A few delis and sausage makers are partnering to build a sausage-shaped food truck, the biggest Sausagemobile in the country, to put Chicago on the map. They plan to sell the biggest wieners and sausages in Chicago. All sausage sandwiches will be named after Chicago politicians, with Lori Lightfoot having the biggest sausage. Their first planned stop will be outside City Hall.

Lori Lightfoot’s size boast drove a spate of creativity in our food creatives to make size matter. So get out there, Chicago, and stuff your maw with big sausages, wieners, and other tubular delights, gag reflex be damned.

Ya gotta have a sense of humor to survive in Chicago, with all the politicians and others sticking it to us and wet their big, bigger, or biggest d**ks.

It is not a crime unless…

Image: PV Bella

Her name is Nyzireya Moore. She is dead. She was twelve years old. She was shot in the head on Tuesday while sitting in the passenger seat of a car. Three men were firing guns at another car, the Chicago Spray and Pray Way. Nyzireya Moore is another innocent child victim of Chicago’s unrelenting violence.

While Mayor Lightfoot brags about the size of her d**k, no one is speaking for the dead. Nyzireya Moore will be one more forgotten child murdered on Chicago’s streets. Lightfoot paralyzed the Chicago Police Department. Kim Foxx is a joke as a prosecutor. Chicago Machine Boss Toni Preckwinkle’s “progressive” policies literally kill people. Preckwinkle and Foxx care more about the welfare of criminals and their families than the lives of children or the general public.

Lightfoot and Foxx are masters of emotional oration, defending themselves against critics. They put award-winning thespians to shame. Yet, not once have they displayed emotion over the murder of innocent children. Not once have they shed a tear over the murder of children.

The citizens of this city are mute too. There should be constant mass protests demanding change. All we hear about is guns, inanimate objects, killing people. Humans are not responsible or held accountable. There are other inanimate “objects” killing people in Chicago. The misguided, ill-informed, and ridiculous policies implemented, executed, doubled, and tripled down by Lightfoot, Preckwinkle, and Foxx. They celebrate their failures as successes.

Even mediocre leaders know you change course when things do not work. The grand experiment failed. The proof is in the death toll.

The news media, AKA the City Hall/County Building PR Firm, is also culpable. They are failing us by their silence over the violence. They keep hyping the failures of our politicians. They tout themselves as watchdogs. Watchdogs are supposed to bark and bite. Chicago news media are toy lap dogs, begging for treats, ear scratches, and belly rubs. It is disgraceful.

Chicago is a city of scoundrels. They are in City Hall, the County Building, the Editorial Boards, and the general population. The silence over murders and other violent crimes in this city is deafening.

While people in this city are rightfully protesting the Russian atrocity in Ukraine and showing their solidarity, they are deathly silent on the daily atrocities terrorizing all our neighborhoods. They are silent on the death of children. They have no solidarity with each other. Lives do not matter in Chicago.

No one cares about murder and violence until it happens to them or a member of their family. Murder and violence are like oxygen. No one discusses or cares about oxygen until someone’s hands are squeezing their throat.

If you want to see what is driving violence in this city, just look in the mirror. Your silence on murders, especially child murders, is consent on steroids.

So good fellow citizens, stay silent and keep consenting to murder. But please do one thing for yourselves. Pray you or your children are not murder victims. Pray that you or your family members are not murder victims. Remember, it is not a crime if it does not happen to you or yours.

The Godmother

“You make some kind of secret agreement with Italians. … You are out there stroking your d—- over the Columbus statue, I am trying to keep Chicago police officers from being shot and you are trying to get them shot,” Lightfoot said, according to the complaint. “My d— is bigger than yours and the Italians, I have the biggest d— in Chicago.” (Mayor Lori Lightfoot/Chicago Tribune)

Chicago mayors are known for their colorful, quotable language. In the long list of mayoral quotes, Mayor Lori Lightfoot tops them all. Past Chicago mayors never bragged about the size of their d**ks. Lightfoot’s comment begs the question, are her balls as big as the bat?

This will go down as the best quote from a Chicago mayor. She sounds like a gangster. The original OG Mayor.

She went full OG on a Chicago Park District lawyer who is now filing a lawsuit against her. The conversation was over allowing Italian Americans to use a Christopher Columbus statue in a Columbus Day Parade and negotiations for keeping one of the statues in a near-west side park.

If you substitute Blacks or Hispanics for Italians, there would be howls and protests, maybe even a fresh round of rioting. Lightfoot sounds like the government tapes that recorded the late crime boss, John Gotti. Will she now imitate Italians by grabbing her crotch, saying, “I got your ____ right here!”

Since da mahr went full OG, she needs a theme song. Maybe one of our local rappers can come up with the “Theme from the Godmother” with some symphonic touches. How about an artist doing a Godmother picture ala The Godfather, with Lightfoot sitting behind a desk, stroking a cat? The best cat in Chicago.

I heard a lot of d**k jokes and size claims during my life. I never heard an elected official make those jokes or comparisons. I heard a lot of ridiculous or even scandalous things elected officials said. None of them mentioned genitalia.

Lightfoot’s claims about her caring for police officers getting shot are bogus. Lightfoot does not care about Chicago Police Officers. She threw Chicago Police Officers under the bus early in her administration. The bus ran over them when Lightfoot hired David “Tex” Brown as Superintendent of Police. She continues to run them over forward and backward.

The city is out of control. Criminals rule the streets. Lightfoot insults Italians. Who is next? The Poles, Irish, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, or other ethnic groups? Not even Rahm Emanuel, known for his creative vulgarity, would get caught in a contest over who has a bigger d**k or the biggest d**k in Chicago.

Lightfoot responded to the allegation claiming she holds no animus toward the Italian community. Yet, Italian men are looking down, wondering how a female Black gay mayor could claim to have a bigger d**k than them. Other men from various ethnicities and races are doing the same, wondering how she could have the biggest d**k in Chicago. Even some of the male aldermen are looking down and wondering.

Hey, John Kass, we have the March Moutza, Lori Lightfoot, with her bigger and biggest d**k in Chicago. You just cannot make this stuff up.

Happy Birthday Chicago

Today is the anniversary of Chicago’s incorporation as a city in 1837. In honor of this day, I am republishing this piece.

Ode to the Voice of Chicago.

Congenital mutant muppets who come to Chicago from someplace else, speaking the King’s English, think and posit the Chicago accent is the worst in the country. They forget we kicked the King’s ass out of America and his oh-so-proper Brit Twit language.

The Chicago accent is a voice.

It is a strong voice.

It is a proud voice.

It is the voice of all the immigrants and races who settled here.

It is the voice of the neighborhoods.

It is the voice of the streets, sidewalks, streets, stoops, playgrounds, athletic fields, and stadiums.

It is the voice of the cigar chompers.

It is the voice of the factory workers.

It is the voice of the blue-collar workers, laborers, ditch diggers, hod carriers, and other tradespeople.

It is the voice of the cops, firefighters, and paramedics.

It is the voice of the neighborhood saloon, bar, pub, tavern.

It is the voice of shot and beer drinkers.

It is the voice of mayors and aldermen.

It is the voice of the people working hard to survive.

It is the voice of the steel mills.

It is the voice of the small grocers, bakers, hot dog vendors, deli owners, and butchers.

It is the voice of the afternoon and midnight shifts.

It is the voice of the cab driver.

It is the voice of the smelt fishermen.

It is the voice of the bleacher bums.

It is the voice of sixteen-inch softball players.

It is the voice of the horseshoe pits.

It is the voice of our grandfathers and fathers.

It is the voice of the horseplayers, craps players, poker players, and other gamblers.

It is the voice of people with callouses on their hands and dirt under their nails.

It is the voice of the tired, who toil to earn a meager living.

It is the voice celebrated in Chicago literature by Nelson Algren, James T. Farrell, and Saul Bellow.

It is the voice of artists and musicians.

It is the voice of professionals who grew up in this city.

It is the voice of the voiceless.

It is the immigrant voice- “The door open please, so out go I.”

The Chicago accent is not just one voice.

It is the voice of many.

It is a chorus, rich and melodic.

It is Chicaga, the frunch room, the stoop, cuz, da, dees, dem, doz, dat, dere, udder.

It is words like wanna, hafta, woncha, gotta, gonna, outta.

It is ged, goin, gimme, didja, couldya wouldja, canya, tellya, sez, and scrooten.

It is aks, gid, and wit.

It is teefs, hoors, yoots.

It adds an s to the pronouns and titles like yous, Field’s, and Jewel’s.

It is the sout side and nort side or souf side and norf side.

It is da old neighborhood.

There are goofs, mooks, mamelukes, chumbalones, jamokes, and Mickey da Mopes.

There are sanguiches, samiches, and strimps.

It is pop, not soda.

It is the icebox, not the refrigerator.

It is the voice of dat guy. You know dat guy. Not dat guy, the udder guy, da guy dat does doz tings. Da guy who never has to be aksed to do sumptin for udder people.

The Chicago voice is us.

Thou shalt not insult the voice of the people of Chicago. Do so at your peril. Our voices will rise against ya. We will strike back atcha cuz dat’s what we gotta do.

By the way, Chicago dialect is the voice of a Columbia-educated Harvard Law School graduate who became a United States president, Barrack Obama.

Case fucking closed.