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TimeOut Chicago shart the bed again

Looking at you Image: PV Bella

TimeOut Chicago has to be the worst of the worst media about Chicago. Their tagline is, “We know Chicago. Do you.” It is a big lie. The chromosomal defectives who write for that trash bag know absolutely zero, zip, nada about Chicago. Now, they are trying to give “law abiding lessons.” What are they, law dogs?

I get that the children who write this drivel want to appear cool and hip. But cool and especially hip means you know what the f**k you are talking about. You have useful knowledge to impart. The operative word is knowledge. Worse, their editors let them get away with this cazzate. The editors have no editorial standards.

Their latest Class X felony came across my social media feed yesterday. The 13 rules of living in Chicago Here’s how to unofficially be a law-abiding citizen of Chicago.Who elected these know-nothing wankers as the “law abiding” police? It is just more ignorant stupidity from crayon-wielding kindergarteners. Why are they promoting a two-year-old article on social media again?

Here is the list of their latest mortal sins. As the Polish nuns would say, Jesus, Mary, and Jumpin Joseph.

Master CTA etiquette.  Don’t stand at the door. Take your backpack off. Blah, blah, blah. If people have to be reminded of this, they have no business on public transportation. They and we would be better off if they pi**ed on the third rail to thin out the herd. The sin of the wastes of putrid protoplasm at TimeOut is one of omission. They refuse to put in is do not eat or drink beverages on the CTA. It is illegal. But these are probably the morons who eat and drink with abandon on public transportation, pretending they are in a dining car.

Understand that “Windy City” has nothing to do with weather. This is ridiculous. Who cares if people know this? Does TimeOut Chicago know how the city got that moniker or who coined it? If you are going to give advice, you should at least provide an explanation. I bet those dunderheads do not know the Chicago meaning of the “hawk.”

Scale back your use of the term “Chi.”First, I never ever heard anyone use the word Chi about Chicago. Secondly, real Chicagoans do not give a rat’s rear end what you call the city. Chi, Chi-Town, Chiraq, Murder City, Deadville, or whatever.

Know your ward number and your alderman’s name. Why? So you can impress your friends whilst drinking a triple decaf soy latte with three different syrups, topped with oat milk “whipped cream,” and rainbow sprinkles at Starf**ks? The only day you need those two bits of information is election day if by happenchance you vote.

Watch out for cyclists. This is partially correct, but they have it ass-backward. Cyclists should watch out for pedestrians, cars, and car doors. Most of those two-wheeled terrorists are oblivious to everything except their cardio pump. They violate traffic laws with abandon. Then, when one is killed by violating laws, they erect litter blight, those white bikes, to permanently commemorate the fallen. What, are these people heroes of the republic or something?

And Divvy riders—stay off the damn sidewalks. What about regular cyclists? Or are they allowed to break the law and ride on sidewalks? Most divvy riders weeble and wobble like children who just had their training wheels removed. What they should ask is, how much did Divvy bribe contribute to politicians to put those ridiculous contraptions all over the city? Divvy and others, including scooters, should be banned.

Try your best to stop talking about the weather constantly. Do these people think they are Emily F**king Post? Talk and complain about whatever you want, including the weather. No one is offended or thinks it is a faux pas. Real Chicagoans complain about the weather and everything else in this junkyard of a city. We are not happy if we do not have something to b**ch about.

Stop treating the South Side like an embarrassing family member we don’t talk about. This makes me want to vomit in my soup. It is proof these circle-jerk tweenagers have no clue about anything. Talk about whatever neighborhood you want. Bash it, trash it, or laud it. Mr. Rogers does not have a neighborhood here, thank the Great Comedian. Chicago is a city of neighborhoods, and we always had a healthy “neighborly” competition. Criticize all you want. REAL Chicagoans do not care. There is one exception. South Side versus North Side- Sox versus Cubs. That could get you stuffed headfirst into a trash bin.

Use escalators correctly. Oh please. Stay on the right so the mountain trekkers can climb on the left? Escalators are for riding. If you want to climb, USE THE F**KING STAIRS. Ride however you want. Hell, stand in the middle. Pass gas. Who gives a s**t?

Accept ketchup on hot dogs. No. Never, ever, ever. Never, ever, ever is a long, long, long time. There is a very specific reason you never put that Brit twit s**t on hotdogs. It has nothing to do with custom. Only people who have no taste buds put ketchup on hot dogs.

Know your local grocery stores. Really? Really? Do these crayon-wielding scribbling slap d**ks think people are as stupid as they are? Who does not know their local grocery store? How does one shop for food if they do not know their local grocery store, or if you are a real Chicagoan, plural?

Stop reenacting every movie ever made in Chicago. What adult or even teen does this? I never saw anyone do this, not even young drunks in bars. Maybe, just maybe, it is TimeOut Chicago’s secret obsession they do in the privacy of their most intimate space.

Be able to recommend one good pizza spot. Is pizza the only culinary delight in Chicago? Or is that all these acne pimple popping pus heads live on? What about a good pasta spot? Maybe a good Chinese, Ramen, Mexican, Uzbekistan, Thai, Polish, or a good diner? How about good f**king any kind of food spot. How many free pizzas did Pequod’s bribe the Timeout writers with for the shameless plug?

I get a kick every time these bed sharters write “advice” pieces about Chicago. If you take their advice, you will never be a real Chicagoan. You will never enjoy living here. You will always be a stranger, treated with disdain and ridicule. If you want to learn about Chicago, never read any advice from TimeOut Chicago.

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