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The Politicians of Walmart

Image: PV Bella

There are Facebook pages dedicated to the People of Walmart, poking fun at the dress and antics of some Walmart shoppers. There is another humorous phenomenon, the Politicians of Walmart, POWs. They bring a clown show to our current state of political toxicity.

“How many of the women rallying against overturning Roe are over-educated, under-loved millennials who sadly return from protests to a lonely microwave dinner with their cats, and no bumble matches?” (Matt Gaetz R. Redneck Riviera)

Matt Gaetz’s statement proves he does not know women, adult women. He does know girls if news media reports of investigations into his dalliances are accurate. Gaetz is disappointed that Girl Scout Cookie sales went online, dwindling his prospects for person-to-person “transactions.” Gaetz, like other POWs, has a strange fascination with pedophilia and grooming. Gaetz voted against human and sex trafficking bills, which is understandable as they would jeopardize his recreational activities.

Trailer Park High School prom queen, Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. Hooters), is a mood swing away from walking through Walmart wearing nothing but a firearm. She could be the Hustler pin-up girl for the Politicians of Walmart. When she is not babbling about Jewish Space Lasers or the Gazpacho Police, Greene spends her spare time praying to the Great Comedian to help her remember what her job is. A late-night social commentator broke the news that Greene wants to introduce a bill to ban water polo to protect horses from drowning.

POW, Madison Cawthorn (R. Assville), wants to participate in the cross-dressing paralympic airport pistol championship. He is pursuing a contract with Victoria’s Secret for a line of lingerie for concealed carry of firearms. He races his wheelchair against people with electric shopping carts through Walmarts in his spare time.

POW Ted Cruz (R. Cancun) won the prestigious 2022 Canadian Hoser of the Year Award (Cruz was born in Canada). The American Hirsute Society voted his beard the creepiest in the nation. The Society claimed dogs with mange look better. He is another POW with a deep interest in pedophilia and grooming. That is probably the reason for the creepy beard.

Senator Josh Hawley (R. Misery), another POW, was being considered for the part of deputy Enos Strate in the next remake of the “Dukes of Hazard.” Hawley wanted the role of Daisy Duke, but the producers wanted Lauren Boebert (R. Cowpoke). Hawley, too has a strange predilection for pedophiles and grooming.

Boebert, another POW, wanders the firearms section of Walmarts wearing short shorts, revealing tops, and packing a pistol to lure men into buying her ammo. She and Taylor Greene are contemplating joining Only Fans to fundraise for their campaigns. It is unknown if they will share the page (activities) or open separate accounts.

Not all POWs are in Congress.

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is a Politician of Walmart. He is positioning himself to be the potential first President of the United States from the POW community. DeSantis is the poster boy for all freedumb lovin, Old Glory wavin ‘Mericans. His beef with Disney has nothing to do with their stance on the “Don’t Say Gay” legislation he proposed and signed. DeSantis wanted to work as a character in the theme park. He was turned down for the part of Goofy. Disney recruiters felt he was not smart enough to play the role and feared he would terrify children.

Freedumb loving POW, Texas Governor Greg Abbot dreams of becoming the Nation of Texas Fuhrer. He uses his private army, the Texas National Guard, to protect his fiefdom from the “invasion” at the southern border. He is bussing the invaders to various other places in the country, reminiscent of the Third Reich. Abbot is being considered for the role of Hitler in the remake of Mel Brooks, “The Producers.”

There are plenty more Politicians of Walmart. These are just the most prominent ones. It is easy to find Politicians of Walmart. They wear Vote for Me buttons. Their campaign literature looks like it was written with crayons.

There are also POTs, Politicians of Target, which will be dealt with in another piece.

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