Peter V. Bella Posts

When people ask me how I am, I have a stock answer. “I am old, crabby, tired, ugly, mean, miserable, and ornery.” I have good reason to be. I live in Chicago, the most pestiferous and dangerous city in the nation. Our local criminals will end your life if our annoying local pests don’t drive you mad enough to run naked, screaming through the streets like a drunken mad Russian poet.

Spring is here. It brings out the worst pests and numerous murderous villains. We are living in a dystopian city. So, in my self-interest of public service, I will offer some tips and clues.

Do not have Zoom meetings or two-way conversations with the speaker on your phone or computer in a coffee shop, public trans, or other public places. If you are near me, I will play loud music on my phone or computer speaker. I did that yesterday while some pest had a Zoom meeting with her crotch rocket’s teachers. She became very annoyed and let me know it. I cranked up the volume. She was too stupid to move. They make these things called headphones and earbuds with microphones. Please enter the 21^st Century or do not be a cheapskate and chiseler.

Many parents believe having a child is a handicap. Having children is not a handicap. Do not take up a handicapped space on public transportation with your limo-sized stroller and squat sasquatch. You do not belong on public transportation if you are too dumb to get a folding umbrella stroller.

Bicycle season will be in full bloom soon. Those two-wheeled terrorists will be riding their weapons of mass pedestrian destruction like maniacs. The worst of them will ride on the sidewalks, violating the law. I will curse you up a red streak. I will not get out of your way if you ride towards me. If you swerve and fall or crash into a tree or something else, I will walk away laughing, no matter how injured you are. Stop signs mean stop. If I cross the street and you do not stop, see the above. I have no mercy or pity for lawbreakers. Boo, f**king hoo.

Riding the El is more dangerous lately. Riding with lawbreakers is even worse. No food or drink is allowed on public transportation. Yet, people feel free to drink and eat while riding. Due to a lack of political leadership and the cowardice of CTA officials, the lawbreakers commit these offenses with impunity, just like our violent criminals. CTA and the city could make a ton of money citing these minor criminals for breaking the law. The only law they enforce is smoking. From what I lately observed, they rarely do that anymore.

There are those lumps of left-over defective slurry of protoplasm who walk down busy sidewalks with their faces plastered to their phones. They are not watching where they are going. It is no one else’s job to watch where they are going. If I bump into you, knocking your phone out of your hand or knocking you on your keester, you get what was coming to you.

Now, to public safety. Again, there is no, none, zero, zip, nada, political leadership in Chicago. You must be hyper-aware when roaming the streets of Chicago or riding public transportation. Not one neighborhood is safe. You can be an innocent victim of a violent crime at any time of day. The rolling shootouts will soon return, so driving may be a fatal endeavor. Since most of the human species in this city are a useless waste of subnormal chromosomes, I cannot offer advice on your safety, except to stay home.

Public safety is an oxymoron in this city led by defective genetic morons. Do not leave home unless you absolutely must. Downtown and Near North, the entertainment, cultural, and tourist areas are too dangerous. Stay away. Stay home, order out, and watch or stream entertainment. Self-survival is the first and highest law of nature. By the way, you can even get booze delivered, so why risk drinking out?

To American tourists and suburbanites, stay out of Chicago. You do not have the survival skills to stay alive in this city. Plus, if you do not bring your dollars here, we can eliminate all the suburban-style food emporiums that serve mung and dreck. Our vibrant food scene is being polluted by the chain-style places, catering to you and serving their sewage sludge. We do not need more McF**konalds, S**tpoltes, Olive Fartens, Pee Cake F**ktory, or other places you think are “fine dining” or fake ass ethnic food. Stay out of Chicago. Go mall walking in your suburb, city, or whatever else you do to amuse yourselves. Eat your fine sewage sludge in your own city or suburb.

Foreign tourists are welcome, as they have class. But, they may be taking their lives into their hands. I feel sorry for them.

If you must come to Chicago, do not read or take advice from Chicago Magazine or Timeout Chicago. They have no clue about this city. They are written, edited, and published by drooling, slobbering, less-ons (Lower than morons). They just make s**t up, knowing out of town and suburban mutant genetic mental defectives will believe it. Only humans who were failed experiments at Area 51 believe their bulls**t.

“The impact of injustice on these individuals, by actors including prosecutors, deserves to be remedied,” Foxx said in a statement. “Through the Resentencing Initiative, prosecutors can begin addressing the fact that many Black and brown people are still incarcerated today under failed policies of the past, even though they have been rehabilitated and pose little threat to public safety.” (Kim Foxx/Chicago Tribune)

A while back, an incarcerated person who murdered a police officer was up for parole. State’s Attorney Kim Foxx refused to send officials to argue against parole. She stated her office would no longer object to convicted criminals being paroled.

Now, she is advocating for the release of convicted criminals if she feels their sentences were too long, unjust, or they are rehabilitated. She blames the failed policies of the past for long incarcerations.

Foxx’s failed policies of the present are responsible for murder and mayhem on the streets of Chicago. She is washing away the “sins” of the past with the blood of the present. She has blood on her hands.

According to Foxx’s Office of Criminal Cuddling and Coddling, “The purpose of resentencing is “to advance public safety through punishment, rehabilitation, and restorative justice.”

We saw time after time paroled- rehabilitated- people commit violent crimes shortly after getting released from prison. Kim Foxx even refused to prosecute parole violators. One brave judge went on the record with her disgust during a case where the prosecutor said the office would not prosecute two parole violators.

If Kim Foxx spent more time and resources prosecuting dangerous felons, our city might be safer. Unfortunately, she cares more about criminals and their families than victims. Not once has she shown any emotion towards murder victims. Not even when they were children, toddlers, or infants.

But boy, oh boy, did she get emotional over the Jussie Smollett conviction and sentence. Her op-ed piece in the Sun-Times was Pulitzer Prize worthy.

She put on an Academy Award emotional performance when Mayor Lori Lightfoot criticized her failures. Boss Preckwinkle politically slapped Lightfoot around. Now she and Foxx are the best of frenemies.

Kim Foxx is a disaster as a State’s Attorney. You people elected her twice and will probably elect her again if she runs or runs for higher office.

Folks, you got the State’s Attorney you deserve. Learn to live with it. Hopefully, you will not die from it.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day. We celebrate Irish history, culture, and the contributions the Irish made to society and culture. Too many, mostly non-Irish, celebrate by wearing funny green clothing and drowning the shamrock, drinking way beyond excess, especially that horse p**s green beer and those concocted “Irish” cocktails.

What is lost to many are the sufferings inflicted on the Irish by Great Britain. Great Britain never was held accountable for all the atrocities they committed throughout the world in the Colonial Era. They are held up as a paragon of human rights, go figure.

The Irish gave us poets, writers, playwrights, musicians, actors, singers, songwriters, visual artists, politicians, a president, educators, religious institutions, and other contributions to this country.

Like other immigrants who came to America, the Irish were treated brutally until they fought their way up the ladder of acceptance. This was the American way for most immigrants over the last two centuries. You were treated like dirt until you overcame and earned acceptance. Unfortunately, that American way has been dusted off and reared its ugly head again.

My pal, Tony Fitzpatrick, summed up the Irish in these excerpts from a longer essay:

“There is an impression that the Irish are a bunch of happy-go-lucky dipshits with fake brogues and cheery dispositions. Let us dispense with this myth right now. There is no darker heart than that of the Irish, Boyo…

You don’t want the luck of the Irish. Poverty, famine and the oppression of the British Crown are some of the components of this “luck.”

…The Irish have been conquered, raped and pillaged by the Spaniards, the English and the Vikings. Some “luck.” They still managed to take the language imposed upon them by their conquerors and use it better than they did…

…We are the best storytellers on the planet. We endured a famine so atrocious almost a quarter of our countrymen perished while the English raided our surviving potato crops…

…This is the way with us Irish. We contain great beauty; that which history has not been able to take from us, and we wield it with the best and worst intentions. Get in the way of our dance in this life, Boyo, and we’ll knock your dick loose…

To my Irish friends, Erin Go Bragh. To all you non-Irish people who pretend to be Irish today, do us all a favor. Go puke in the street or alleys instead of the sidewalks on your “pub” crawls. Or, like dog owners, carry plastic bags you can puke in and dispose of. Better yet, stop pretending to be “Irish.” Cultural appropriation and all that.

The streetlamps are on in Ukraine tonight
And the Russians are running to ground
Leaving their junk behind
And Putin  is dosing and the Fatman’s counting the tanks
And there’s more tanks than places to put ’em, he said
But I’ve got room for them all
So round ’em up boys
’cause I want some more toys
Hit the road where the convoy stalled

To me way, hay
Tow them away
The Ukraine Farmers are we
From Kyiv to Sumy
There’s nothing so gloomy
                                                       And we always collect our fee (Apologies to Steve Goodman)

Ukrainians are religious people. During Putin’s terrorism against their homeland, they prayed for salvation in any form.

The Great Comedian looked down with pity on his children. He called Satan and had Ross Cascio, AKA the Fatman, the former owner of Lincoln Towing, brought to Him. Lincoln Towing was the most notorious towing company in Illinois. It was the subject of the Steve Goodman song, the “Lincoln Park Pirates.” It was also the subject of several Mike Royko columns.

Cascio did not look worse for the wear for someone who spent his time in Hell. He looked hale, happy, and hardy, except for some singed ear and nose hair. Cascio stood before the Great Comedian puffing a large black oily cigar.

God asked him why he was not suffering like the others in Hell. The Fatman shrugged and replied that he made a deal with the Devil. He and his band of graduates from the Charm School in Joliet became Satan’s enforcers.

The Great Comedian offered Cascio a better deal, a deal with Him.

“The people of Ukraine are suffering. But the Russians are abandoning their tanks and other vehicles. They are running around like heads with their chickens cut off. I will commute your sentence in Hell, temporarily return you to mortal life, and then bring you to Heaven. You must go to Ukraine and develop a way to “relocate” the abandoned vehicles. The Ukrainians can use the tanks against the Russians. Later, you can show them how to sell them for scrap to raise money to cover their losses. It is long past time you became a humanitarian.”

The Fatman looked down and thought for a moment. In typical Chicago- Italian fashion, he put his palms up, shrugged his shoulders, and said, “Yeah, sure.”

 One second, he was standing before the Great Comedian. The next he was in Ukraine. He discovered he could speak and understand the language. He secured transportation to one of the abandoned convoys. There were several abandoned tanks surrounded by Ukrainians.

Cascio realized he was in a farming community. Farmers have tractors and earth-moving equipment. He told people to have the farmers bring their equipment. There were large numbers of tractors and other equipment by the following day.

The Fatman told the farmers to attach chains and tow bars the tanks to tractors until there were enough to pull them. Once that was figured out, they went to work. One by one, the tanks were towed, Destroyed tanks were booby-trapped and used to strategically block the road from any future tank convoys.

Being an entrepreneurial type, Cascio also had Russian armored vehicles and trucks towed. He towed them all away. Day after day, his crew of farmers went to abandoned convoys, towing tanks, and other Russian equipment.

In one instance, they towed a tank with Russians still inside. They popped out and began to run. They bumped into their guards, who left to forage for food. They ran off, stumbling, bumbling, and slogging through the muddy farm fields.

Cascio realized he may need more help if they encountered Russian soldiers. He convinced the government to lend him some students from the charm school at Lukyanivska. They arrived the next day, looking like the meanest band of cutthroat pirates The Fatman ever saw. His former crew was wusses compared to these guys.

Ross Cascio is reveling in his role as The Ukraine Tank Pirate. He is reliving his life all over again on a grander scale. Cascio sent the Russian government a Lincoln Park Towing bill for each tank towed as a joke. He would sell each one for one U.S. dollar to the Ukraine resistance if they did not pay.

It is said Putin is twirling, swirling, and spinning over Cascio and his Ukraine Tank Pirates. He even tried sending a delegation to Chicago to learn how to deal with the Fatman. They were met with disdain, shrugged shoulders, and palms up. “Nuttin we kin do. Da Fatman is dead. Tell ya boss to lay off da bong.”

NOTE: What is happening in Ukraine is heartbreaking. However, the sight of farmers towing Russian tanks is humorous and embarrassing to Putin.

As to the conflict, contrary to what everyone thinks, Putin is not conducting a “special operation or a war. It is an act of terrorism. Unfortunately, no one in the world has the guts to call him a terrorist or label the Russian Federation as a terrorist organization. That is my opinion, and I am sticking to it.

I was dreamin’ when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin’
Could’ve sworn it was judgment day…

Say, say, 2000-00, party over
Oops, out of time
So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999 (1999/Prince)

On St. Patrick’s day two years ago, I celebrated in my local saloon with friends. There was a full buffet, and we had a great time. The next afternoon, after watching Jeopardy with some of the same group- a daily activity- Governor Pritzker was on the news, fulminating over the various St. Pat’s celebrations. The COVID-19 shutdowns began.

We masked up, social distanced for almost two years, stayed home and followed the protocols and mandates. I usually have a jaded position on Chicago, Cook County, and Illinois elected officials. Chicagoans have a love-hate relationship with our mayors. We hate to love them and love to hate them. But I am fair and believe in giving credit where credit is due.

Mayor Lori Lightfoot and her team led a calm response to the pandemic. They tried to keep the numbers down, hospitals from overflowing, and more importantly, keeping the death toll as low as possible. Working with the Governor and his team, their policies kept most of us alive and as healthy as possible. Public safety and public health are the highest priorities of the government. Lightfoot failed and is still failing on public safety. But she succeeded in the public health arena.

Yes, the mandates were a pain in the ass. No one likes wearing masks, looking like a bandit, and putting up with the discomfort. No, our freedumbs were not inhibited. Freedom has some responsibilities, like keeping ourselves and others safe. I am fortunate to live in a great walking neighborhood, with two large parks bordering the north and south and a plaza. I could go for daily long walks, weather permitting. I met new acquaintances.

Yes, the COVID mandates caused anger in some. TFB. There were times when mandates were worse. People were quarantined in their homes during typhoid, T.B., the so-called Spanish Flu, and other contagions. They were imprisoned. Signs were posted on doors by the Chicago Police Department. There was even an order prohibiting police officers from using the butts of their pistols to nail quarantine signs to the doors.

While our elected officials deserve some credit, the real credit goes to you, the citizens. You followed the mandates. You kept yourselves, families, friends, and the rest of us safe. You deserve a hearty pat on the back. The few freedumb lovers in this city deserve several swift kicks in the ass.

The heroes during the pandemic were essential workers. Cops, firefighters, EMTs, health care professionals and workers, retail workers, cab and rideshare workers, CTA personnel, and a long list of others. They went to work every day providing for us. City workers made sure Chicago stayed the City that Works. They were out daily, keeping things running as smooth as possible. So were the utility companies’ workers.

A shout-out goes to Chicago restaurants and cooks who provided free, or through others, food to health care workers, cops, and fire personnel. Former Mayor Rahm Emanuel showed up at several hospitals, bringing food to the workers. In small or large ways, other people pitched in to ensure the most vulnerable among us had their needs met.

So, now that we are finally free from most mandates and protocols, congratulate yourself, Chicago. You did it. You drove the numbers down to the point we are open, and business is back to nearly normal. We can do the things we missed.

I wrote and edited this a saloon. It is one of the places where I can be away from home, be amongst my so-called fellow humans, and interact or be left the f**k alone.

It ain’t over yet, but the end looks near. We may soon party like it’s 1999.

Someone needs to advise Mayor Lori Lightfoot on her clothing choices as a side note. If you are going to wear an Irish kilt to a parade, learn to wear it properly, you know, lok like you are Irish. My Irish friends and Scots relatives were appalled at her wardrobe at the South Side St. Patrick’s parade.

“If I did this, then it means I stuck my fist in the fears of Black Americans in this country for over 400 years, and the fears of the LGBT community,” he said. “Your honor, I respect you, and I respect the jury, but I did not do this. And I am not suicidal, and if anything happens to me when I go in there, I did not do it to myself.” (Jussie Smollett)

I have seen a lot of courtroom drama during my time as a police officer. Usually, the dramatists are the attorneys arguing their cases.

Jussie Smollett’s soliloquy after he was sentenced was one of the most incredible performances I ever saw in a Chicago courtroom. It is worthy of a Jeff Award.

Smollett is the Thespian of Chicago. His performance was dramatically charged. His oration was precise and emotional. He timed his rising anger perfectly, yelling louder as bailiffs led him to the holding area.

Jussie Smollett could partner with his Chicago patroness, Kim Foxx, another accomplished emotional, dramatic writer, orator, and thespian. They could write a Chicago Way Shakespearean tragedy.

Jussie must do something during his incarceration. The play would have a cast of backstabbers, charlatans, frauds, friends, allies, enemies, frenemies, traitors, connivers, avengers, retributionists, mobs, and fools. You know, the gamut of Chicago politics.

The plot could revolve around justice, injustice, retribution, revenge, greed, life, death, conspiracies, mob justice, race, misogyny, LGBQT+ issues, power, power struggles, and the Chicago Way.

The nice thing is many of the cast can play themselves.

• Jussie Smollett as Prince Jamlet
• The Tuna Sub Sandwich as itself
• Kim Foxx as Grandis Accusator Vulpes
• Rahm Emanuel as Arbius Truncus
• Lori Lightfoot Imperatrix Maximus Virgam
• Toni Preckwinkle as Summum Princeps Maximus
• The Osundario brothers as Otello and Moro
• Chicago Police Officers as Urbs Legio
• Chicago Police Detectives as Legio Inquisitores
• Chicago News Media as Equos Asininus
• Citizens of Chicago (The chorus) as Stultus Suffragi

After two years of the pandemic, Chicago deserves good theatrical entertainment. Maybe the Goodman or Steppenwolf would be an appropriate venue for the production.

The play opens on one of the coldest days of the year. The main character, Prince Jamlet, braves the below-zero weather in the wee hours of the morning to get a tuna sub sandwich. As he returns, fighting the arctic temperatures, polar bears, and Innuits, he is attacked by two men wearing MAGA hats. They call him racial and homophobic slurs. They punch and push him around. They douse Jamlet with bleach and place a crude noose around his neck. The Stultus Suffragii sings the opening song, a, maybe the theme from Rocky.

All the while, Jamlet holds on to that tuna sandwich for dear life. When the duo flees, Jamlet composes himself and walks the rest of the way home in the Arctic cold, with a death grip on the tuna sandwich and the noose around his neck.

While waiting for the police, Prince Jamlet delivers a soliloquy to the tuna sandwich, as he holds it aloft, as violins softly play in the background.

“Alas, poor Sandwich! I knew them, Otello and Moro, fellows of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy; they hath provided illicit substances for me a thousand times…”

When the tale of woe came out, it shocked the world. The Legio Inquisitores were sent throughout the land to find those who committed this heinous deed. Soon, they found the culprit. It was none other than Prince Jamlet himself.

Former Caesar Arbius Truncus was furious. His Inquisitores spent days investigating only to discover the crime was a hoax. Otello and Moro were paid by Jamlet to do this. They turned on him to save themselves.

Grandis Accusator Vulpes at first approved charges against Jamlet. Then, after the intervention of Jamlet’s family and influential political and Hollywood royalty, she refused to prosecute Jamlet.

Caesar Arbious Truncus was infuriated. He wanted heads to roll. He needed them to create a new game called bowling. The orchestra plays “Anger of the Gods.”

Grandis Accusator Vulpes defended herself in dramatic soliloquies, citing truth, justice, and the Chicago Way. She claimed she did nothing wrong and performed well within the rules of the Chicago Way.

Time wore on. Jamlet was free. Caesar Arbius Truncus leaves the stage. Imperatrix Maximus Virgam enters.

Accusator Vulpes is tossed to the side and replaced by a Speciale Accusator. Summum Princeps Maximus was infuriated that a jurist would override Accusator Vulpes and appoint a special prosecutor. She used her massive powers in a failed attempt to keep the honest judge from being reelected. She is conspiring to go after the enemies of Accusator Vulpes. She will do all in her power to crush them.

Jamlet is finally tried, convicted, and sentenced. Justice is served. Jamlet is removed from the courtroom after giving his soliloquy. (The orchestra and the Stultus Suffragii sing a triumphant song.)

Accusator Vulpes is infuriated. She pens a dramatic piece to be scribed and delivered throughout the land, criticizing the whole process and the sentencing.

The play ends with Prince Jamlet sitting alone in his gaol cell. He bitterly clings to a rolled-up hand towel for dear life, pretending it is a tuna sandwich. He delivers another soliloquy, holding the sandwich aloft.

“Alas, Tuna Sandwich. Otello and Moro are traitors. I am innocent. I did not do this. I am innocent. I am not suicidal. I am not suicidal. If anything happens to me, I am not suicidal.”

We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
Just for one day
                                         We can be Heroes (Heroes/David Bowie)

All heroes do not wear capes or uniforms. Some wear chef coats.

There is no greater love than feeding people. Cooking and sharing food with people are acts of love. Cooks love to feed people. It is that simple.

One of my heroes is world-renowned chef Jose Andres. He started World Central Kitchen to feed people facing natural and human disasters. Within days, he was on the ground with his people setting up food distribution. At the Polish border with Ukraine, he worked with partner restaurants, community kitchens, and numerous volunteers to provide sustenance to refugees fleeing Ukraine.

Jose Andres is feeding people and sharing love. Jose Andres is a stellar example of harnassing the power of humanity.

In Chicago, another hero emerged. Chef Tony Priolo, the owner of Piccolo Sogno, one of this city’s most renowned Italian Restaurants, reached out to fellow owners and chefs to hold a chef-driven fundraising drive to raise money for Ukraine, donating the proceeds to World Central Kitchen. Priolo was deeply affected by the refugee crisis and Jose Andres’ efforts.

Within a short time, many replied, and Navy Pier was secured to hold the event, named, Chicago Cooks for Ukraine. 70 chefs will cook for 1000 people on March 16^th. The list of chefs is a Who’s Who of culinary award winners. The event is being sponsored by Lifeway Foods. Other food purveyors are endorsing the event. They are a Who’s Who of Chicago businesses.

General admission tickets are $150.00. VIP tickets are $500.00. Sponsorship tickets range in price from $5000.00-$50,000. The sponsorships have various perks.

What is happening in Ukraine is heartbreaking. Well over a million refugees fled Putin’s terror war. Poland stepped in to assist. Other nations are providing necessities to the refugees.

We should be proud that Chicago food entities are stepping up to do something. Jose Andres did a wonderful thing when he established World Central Kitchen. Now, Chicago chefs and businesses are raising money for a great cause.

There are some good people in this city of scoundrels. People who not only empathize and sympathize but take action. The restaurant and food community banded together to raise humanitarian aid for people who suffered unimaginable horrors. They suffered the terrors of war. They uprooted their lives to leave their country, many walking on foot. They are dependent on the largesse of others.

Here is the article about Tony Priolo’s efforts. You may want to patronize some of the restaurants or other businesses stepping up to help Ukraine.