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Hats off to Chicago’s archcriminal

Last updated on September 16, 2021

Image: PV Bella

This is the city, Chicago, Illinois. The story you are about to read is true. The name was not changed because we do not know it.

There is an archcriminal preying on the streets of Chicago. He lurks, sneaks, and skulks in darkness. Some say he is a myth. Others claim he is a legend. Like some historical or fictional archcriminals, he is a hero. He steals from thieves. His crimes are dearly costing them.  

Chicago Superintendent of Police, Tex Brown, is planning, strategizing, and creating precision deployments to stop this one-man crime wave. He formed a posse. They will ride out at sundown to hunt for this elusive mastermind and bring him in Texas-style, dead or alive.

Mayor Lori Lightfoot called for all hands on deck to catch this nefarious and mysterious criminal before he caused more losses to the thieves.

The mayor asked the FBI to get involved. They had to refuse. Too many resources were tied up investigating aldercreatures.

States Attorney Kim Foxx promises to throw the book at this archcriminal. Her office will swiftly approve felony charges and recommend no bail to keep the thief in jail until his trial is over. She will provide vigorous prosecution of this nefarious criminal. Reform be damned. How dare he, how dare he steal from other thieves?

This crime spree is way more severe than the murder and mayhem plaguing Chicago and the catch and release of violent criminals by prosecutors and the courts.

The only people who are not concerned are the citizens of Chicago. They are cheering this ghost. His crimes and the ability to get away with them in this era of surveillance are epic. Who does not love a thief who steals from thieves?

Who are the thieves this archcriminal is stealing from? They are not the Chicago Outfit. The few thieves they have left are a rag-tag bunch of aging stumbling bumblers. It is hard to commit crimes using a walker.

Our thief is not stealing from the bands of thieves who terrorize high-end stores in broad daylight, walking out thousands or tens of thousands of dollars of merchandise.

Why is there an all-hands-on-deck approach to stop and capture him? Our loveable thief is stealing from the City of Chicago, the modern-day Chicago Outfit.

According to CWB Chicago, the best crime reporting news site in Chicago, this archcriminal is stealing red light cameras. Those cameras steal more money than violent criminals with guns and bespoke dressed aldercreatures with laptops and cell phones.

So far, the thief struck the same intersection three times over the summer. The cameras were at the intersection of Lawrence and Cicero Avenues in the Sauganash area. They generate about $850.00 per day when operational.

The Chicago City Council, a band of brigands themselves, is in an uproar over the audacity of this bandit to step on their turf. If anyone were going to steal from the city, it should be them, not some renegade.

The thieves at City Hall are praying he does not go after the speed cameras. Since the city lowered speeding from over ten mph to over six mph, they stole over 1.1 million dollars from the citizens since the spring. The city would vote to implement the death penalty if the thief struck those cameras.

During this Summer Olympics of Violence and the city’s willing failure to curb it, we needed a hero. We found one, an unknown archcriminal. Hats off to you, whoever you are.

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