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A Grand Avenue Christmas

Last updated on December 15, 2023

Image: PV Bella

Twas the night before Christmas, and all tru da house

Not a creature was stirring, not even da louse

Da stockins were hung by da chimney wid care

The stink they gave off fouled up da air

Da children was nestled all snug in dere beds

Wid visions of my hand smacking dere heads

The gumad in her thong and me with my bong

Had just took a hit that was way too long

When out on da street dere was such a clatter

I stumbled from bed to see what was da matter

I tripped on da floor while makin a dash

tore open da winder and found my old stash

The moon on da street lit da crappy new snow

It shone so bright on da hookers below

When what to my waterin eyes when I looks

Some sled skidding down wid eight crazy mooks

Some drunken dwarf driver so clumsy and thick

I knew in a moment it was Little Nick

Wid bats and bricks they tripped as they came

Nick whistled and shouted and called them by name

Yo Abie! Yo Joey!

Yo Sal! Yo Cockeye!

Yeah, Screwy! Yo Mooney!

Hey Donnie! Yo Mugsy!

Get up dat porch

To da top a da wall

Dat fat bumb made da freakin call

Like alley rats dat scurry wid daylight

When de meet da wind dey go to flight

So up da fire escape, da cousins dey ran

Wid bats and bricks and gasoline can

And in a twinkle, I hear on da roof

The scraping and pawing of each little goof

As I cleared my head and turned around

Down da chimney, Little Nick did bound

He was dressed in fur from his head to his foot

Da fur was all covered wid cinders and soot

A buncha junk he had on his back

He looked like a teef openin his pack

His eyes bloodshot, his dimples how stubbled

His cheeks were unshaven his nose was all hairy

He smelled like Four Roses 

He had too much merry

The stump of a joint he held tight in his teet

Da smoke of the cheap stuff smelled like dirty feet

He had a face like a toad and a big round belly

Dat shook when he yelled like a bowl full of jelly

He was chubby and plump, an angry old elf

And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself

A wink of his eye and twist of his head

Let me know I would soon be dead

He did’n say nuttin. He went to work

Beatin on me like I was a jerk

I laid a fist on da side a his nose

Kicked im in da ass en up da chimney he rose

He sprang to his sled to his team gave a whistle

En da cousins ran so fast dey looked like a missile

I heard him yell as he drove outta sight

Dis ain’t de end

Dere’ll be an udder night

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