I make no bones about how much I despise TimeOut Chicago and Chicago Magazine. I can never decide if their articles are written by blithering idiots or supercilious teenagers. Maybe they are just dumb-fu** hicks from the suburbs. I do know one thing. Whenever they write about Chicago, they have no f**king clue what they are writing about.
TimeOut Chicago’s latest piece of garbage fiction, “The 6 worst-kept secrets in Chicago,” is a perfect example of their utter stupidity. It is beyond stupidity. It is ignorance of the lowest sort.
Here I will deflate, deconstruct, and destroy their ignorance. It is a dark and dirty job, but someone must expose them for the charlatans and frauds they are.
The six worst-kept secrets?
- The Violet Hour (And pretty much any speakeasy)- Give me a f**king break. These over-privileged white kids do not even know what a speakeasy is. Yeah, that headline is tantalizing, but a lie- like most of the so-called journalism at TimeOut Chicago. Hey, kids, speakeasies are illegal purveyors of liquor. There are no “speakeasies” in Chicago unless you know where to get a drink after hours- those joints are real secrets. The Violet Hour and other bars are not “speakeasies” and have no “speakeasy” vibe- whatever the f**k that is. Plus, the Violet Hour is no secret. They have been around a while and have good PR people. I have been there. The ambiance sucks, the seating is uncomfortable, and the service sucks. The drinks are mediocre. Oh, by the way, TOC children, I am a professional drinker, carouser, and make a mean cocktail.
- The Pedway. Are you f**king kidding me? The Pedway is no secret, at least not to real Chicagoans. Geez, more articles have been written about the Pedway over the decades than, well, about non-existent speakeasies. Give me a f**king break.
- Tavern-style pizza. As the Polish nuns used to say, jumpin Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I am speechless. These people should be taken out and flogged, stuffed with deep-dish pizza, cheap PBR horse p*ss, and left naked in a vacant lot to puke and have diarrhea all over themselves and each other until they pass out in their slop. Round pizza cut into squares is no secret. It is found all over the city and has been for decades. Where do these morons come from? Are they the results of an experiment gone awry at Area 51?
- Garden of the Phoenix in Jackson Park. “Whether you stumbled upon it while walking around Jackson Park or scrolling through your Instagram feed, odds are you’re already acquainted with the stunning Japanese-style Garden of the Phoenix, which sits on a small island between two lagoons.” If you “are you’re already acquainted” with something, IT IS NOT A F**KING SECRET. CASE F**KING CLOSED.
- 12th Street Beach. This beach is no secret. I and my friends went there over fifty years ago. It was only a supposed secret because it was hard to get to. Now, anyone can go there and enjoy it. It is not a well-kept secret.
- The Walgreens at Damen and Milwaukee. The children at TOC admit this is not a secret. So, why the f**k do they include it? Maybe to make up for the other five secrets that are not and never were secrets.
If Timeout Chicago wants to be relevant, they should hire people who know about Chicago. It appears they just hire people who throw s**t out there, hoping something will stick. Or maybe their readers are dumbf**ks just like them. Oh, and as for number 1, the Violet Room? That is a shameless free ad. Some “ethics” these people have.
Here is the thing about secrets. They are secret. Known only to trusted people who will not divulge them. I know secrets, real secrets. I would never tell anyone. The secret places do not want to be known, popularized, or patronized by a bunch of immature, privileged less-ons (Lower than a moron) writing for a comic book or the less-ons who believe this horse s**t.