Skip to content

The Ukraine Pirates are we

The streetlamps are on in Ukraine tonight
And the Russians are running to ground
Leaving their junk behind
And Putin  is dosing and the Fatman’s counting the tanks
And there’s more tanks than places to put ’em, he said
But I’ve got room for them all
So round ’em up boys
’cause I want some more toys
Hit the road where the convoy stalled

To me way, hay
Tow them away
The Ukraine Farmers are we
From Kyiv to Sumy
There’s nothing so gloomy
                                                       And we always collect our fee
(Apologies to Steve Goodman)

Ukrainians are religious people. During Putin’s terrorism against their homeland, they prayed for salvation in any form.

The Great Comedian looked down with pity on his children. He called Satan and had Ross Cascio, AKA the Fatman, the former owner of Lincoln Towing, brought to Him. Lincoln Towing was the most notorious towing company in Illinois. It was the subject of the Steve Goodman song, the “Lincoln Park Pirates.” It was also the subject of several Mike Royko columns.

Cascio did not look worse for the wear for someone who spent his time in Hell. He looked hale, happy, and hardy, except for some singed ear and nose hair. Cascio stood before the Great Comedian puffing a large black oily cigar.

God asked him why he was not suffering like the others in Hell. The Fatman shrugged and replied that he made a deal with the Devil. He and his band of graduates from the Charm School in Joliet became Satan’s enforcers.

The Great Comedian offered Cascio a better deal, a deal with Him.

“The people of Ukraine are suffering. But the Russians are abandoning their tanks and other vehicles. They are running around like heads with their chickens cut off. I will commute your sentence in Hell, temporarily return you to mortal life, and then bring you to Heaven. You must go to Ukraine and develop a way to “relocate” the abandoned vehicles. The Ukrainians can use the tanks against the Russians. Later, you can show them how to sell them for scrap to raise money to cover their losses. It is long past time you became a humanitarian.”

The Fatman looked down and thought for a moment. In typical Chicago- Italian fashion, he put his palms up, shrugged his shoulders, and said, “Yeah, sure.”

 One second, he was standing before the Great Comedian. The next he was in Ukraine. He discovered he could speak and understand the language. He secured transportation to one of the abandoned convoys. There were several abandoned tanks surrounded by Ukrainians.

Cascio realized he was in a farming community. Farmers have tractors and earth-moving equipment. He told people to have the farmers bring their equipment. There were large numbers of tractors and other equipment by the following day.

The Fatman told the farmers to attach chains and tow bars the tanks to tractors until there were enough to pull them. Once that was figured out, they went to work. One by one, the tanks were towed, Destroyed tanks were booby-trapped and used to strategically block the road from any future tank convoys.

Being an entrepreneurial type, Cascio also had Russian armored vehicles and trucks towed. He towed them all away. Day after day, his crew of farmers went to abandoned convoys, towing tanks, and other Russian equipment.

In one instance, they towed a tank with Russians still inside. They popped out and began to run. They bumped into their guards, who left to forage for food. They ran off, stumbling, bumbling, and slogging through the muddy farm fields.

Cascio realized he may need more help if they encountered Russian soldiers. He convinced the government to lend him some students from the charm school at Lukyanivska. They arrived the next day, looking like the meanest band of cutthroat pirates The Fatman ever saw. His former crew was wusses compared to these guys.

Ross Cascio is reveling in his role as The Ukraine Tank Pirate. He is reliving his life all over again on a grander scale. Cascio sent the Russian government a Lincoln Park Towing bill for each tank towed as a joke. He would sell each one for one U.S. dollar to the Ukraine resistance if they did not pay.

IMAGE: Courtesy of the Geriatric Genius

It is said Putin is twirling, swirling, and spinning over Cascio and his Ukraine Tank Pirates. He even tried sending a delegation to Chicago to learn how to deal with the Fatman. They were met with disdain, shrugged shoulders, and palms up. “Nuttin we kin do. Da Fatman is dead. Tell ya boss to lay off da bong.”

NOTE: What is happening in Ukraine is heartbreaking. However, the sight of farmers towing Russian tanks is humorous and embarrassing to Putin.

As to the conflict, contrary to what everyone thinks, Putin is not conducting a “special operation or a war. It is an act of terrorism. Unfortunately, no one in the world has the guts to call him a terrorist or label the Russian Federation as a terrorist organization. That is my opinion, and I am sticking to it.

Published inUncategorized