When people ask me how I am, I have a stock answer. “I am old, crabby, tired, ugly, mean, miserable, and ornery.” I have good reason to be. I live in Chicago, the most pestiferous and dangerous city in the nation. Our local criminals will end your life if our annoying local pests don’t drive you mad enough to run naked, screaming through the streets like a drunken mad Russian poet.
Spring is here. It brings out the worst pests and numerous murderous villains. We are living in a dystopian city. So, in my self-interest of public service, I will offer some tips and clues.
Do not have Zoom meetings or two-way conversations with the speaker on your phone or computer in a coffee shop, public trans, or other public places. If you are near me, I will play loud music on my phone or computer speaker. I did that yesterday while some pest had a Zoom meeting with her crotch rocket’s teachers. She became very annoyed and let me know it. I cranked up the volume. She was too stupid to move. They make these things called headphones and earbuds with microphones. Please enter the 21st Century or do not be a cheapskate and chiseler.
Many parents believe having a child is a handicap. Having children is not a handicap. Do not take up a handicapped space on public transportation with your limo-sized stroller and squat sasquatch. You do not belong on public transportation if you are too dumb to get a folding umbrella stroller.
Bicycle season will be in full bloom soon. Those two-wheeled terrorists will be riding their weapons of mass pedestrian destruction like maniacs. The worst of them will ride on the sidewalks, violating the law. I will curse you up a red streak. I will not get out of your way if you ride towards me. If you swerve and fall or crash into a tree or something else, I will walk away laughing, no matter how injured you are. Stop signs mean stop. If I cross the street and you do not stop, see the above. I have no mercy or pity for lawbreakers. Boo, f**king hoo.
Riding the El is more dangerous lately. Riding with lawbreakers is even worse. No food or drink is allowed on public transportation. Yet, people feel free to drink and eat while riding. Due to a lack of political leadership and the cowardice of CTA officials, the lawbreakers commit these offenses with impunity, just like our violent criminals. CTA and the city could make a ton of money citing these minor criminals for breaking the law. The only law they enforce is smoking. From what I lately observed, they rarely do that anymore.
There are those lumps of left-over defective slurry of protoplasm who walk down busy sidewalks with their faces plastered to their phones. They are not watching where they are going. It is no one else’s job to watch where they are going. If I bump into you, knocking your phone out of your hand or knocking you on your keester, you get what was coming to you.
Now, to public safety. Again, there is no, none, zero, zip, nada, political leadership in Chicago. You must be hyper-aware when roaming the streets of Chicago or riding public transportation. Not one neighborhood is safe. You can be an innocent victim of a violent crime at any time of day. The rolling shootouts will soon return, so driving may be a fatal endeavor. Since most of the human species in this city are a useless waste of subnormal chromosomes, I cannot offer advice on your safety, except to stay home.
Public safety is an oxymoron in this city led by defective genetic morons. Do not leave home unless you absolutely must. Downtown and Near North, the entertainment, cultural, and tourist areas are too dangerous. Stay away. Stay home, order out, and watch or stream entertainment. Self-survival is the first and highest law of nature. By the way, you can even get booze delivered, so why risk drinking out?
To American tourists and suburbanites, stay out of Chicago. You do not have the survival skills to stay alive in this city. Plus, if you do not bring your dollars here, we can eliminate all the suburban-style food emporiums that serve mung and dreck. Our vibrant food scene is being polluted by the chain-style places, catering to you and serving their sewage sludge. We do not need more McF**konalds, S**tpoltes, Olive Fartens, Pee Cake F**ktory, or other places you think are “fine dining” or fake ass ethnic food. Stay out of Chicago. Go mall walking in your suburb, city, or whatever else you do to amuse yourselves. Eat your fine sewage sludge in your own city or suburb.
Foreign tourists are welcome, as they have class. But, they may be taking their lives into their hands. I feel sorry for them.
If you must come to Chicago, do not read or take advice from Chicago Magazine or Timeout Chicago. They have no clue about this city. They are written, edited, and published by drooling, slobbering, less-ons (Lower than morons). They just make s**t up, knowing out of town and suburban mutant genetic mental defectives will believe it. Only humans who were failed experiments at Area 51 believe their bulls**t.