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A Monday modest proposal

Image: PV Bella

I was in a saloon Saturday watching the Cubs and White Sox games. Other televisions had the Masters Tournament on. Who in their right mind watches golf on television, especially in a saloon? Golf is the most boring sport in the world next to curling. It is the equivalent of watching paint dry or waiting for a fly to die on someone’s face.

People who watch golf live dull, meaningless, and worthless lives. Avid golfers are psychotic. Maybe someone could come up with a conversion therapy for those poor souls.

Golf courses are a massive waste of valuable real estate and create environmental problems with all the chemicals needed to keep all that useless grass green and healthy. Some years back, a study linked certain cancers to people who lived next to golf courses due to the chemicals.

Golf courses use copious amounts of water to keep the grass growing. What a waste of a precious resource. Then, there is the maintenance, mowing, raking, etc. Another waste of time. Golf is a wasteful sport with no redeeming social value.

This brings me to a modest proposal. We have a severe problem with homelessness in Chicago. City Hall would rather we overlook the homeless camps, people living on the El or in the El stations, the underground Wacker and Michigan Avenues, or other places. They pretend the homeless do not exist. They would rather the homeless stay invisible.

No one in this city of political and social service dullards can come up with a solution to mitigate homelessness. They are not even trying. They cater to the two-wheeled bicycle terrorists and rental bike, and scooter corporations. Our local news media treats the homeless population as if they did not exist. They are the spokes weasels for the city, hyping whatever the city tells them to and ignoring real issues.

George Carlin came up with the perfect solution to homelessness. (Video below) Turn golf courses into housing for the homeless. Golf courses are a waste of property for people who dress funny to hit little white balls around the grass. Nine Chicago golf courses can be legally turned into communities to temporarily house the homeless, assist them, and transition people to employment and permanent housing.

Small to medium manufactured homes could be inexpensively built, including social service, centers, educational, job training, medical clinics, dining, and recreation facilities. The homeless can be sheltered, assisted with whatever problems they are suffering from, seek employment, and eventually transition to their own housing. The city could even offer training programs to transition people to city employment. City Hall could partner with other experienced providers like The Salvation Army.

Some of the acreages of the courses could be turned into organic farms and greenhouses to grow food for the inhabitants and sell at onsite farmer’s markets.

Chicago Park District golf courses could be easily transferred to the city. Privately owned golf courses could be taken through eminent domain. They would be considered blight- useless waste of property and ecologically unsound. There is probably a way to get state and federal funding for such an undertaking.

Converting golf courses to communities to assist and transition the homeless is a way better and more humane use of those green wastelands. There would still be a few city courses left, as the land cannot be built on for esthetic or legal reasons. Golfers also can go to the burbs to play with their little balls.

If Chicago is to be a humane and compassionate city, turning useless golf courses into housing, social services, job training, and transitioning centers is the best use of those properties. The NIMBYs will protest and cry foul. No one should care what they think. They are not coming up with simple solutions to issues. Screw them.

Carlin was ahead of his time and right. Hey, mayor Lightfoot, get on board and grab all that real estate to assist the homeless. Chicago does not need golf. Homeless people need help. It is a simple, elegant solution.

Here is a list of the golf courses that could and should be converted to assist the homeless:

Columbus Park

Robert A. Black

Billy Caldwell


Marquette Park

Douglas Park

Indian Boundary

Beverly Country Club

Ridge CC

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