I woke up at 0-dark-thirty this morning. It was cold and snowing. The snow was falling gently in the dark, sticking to the grass but not the sidewalks or streets. It won’t be long before the sounds of snow blowers and shovel scraping replace those of leaf blowers, rakes, and lawnmowers.
Starting December 1st, the dreaded winter overnight parking ban will take effect. Parking is prohibited from 3 a.m. to 7 a.m. on over 100 hundred miles of city-designated streets until April 1st. It does not matter if there is snow or not. The city will tow your car. There are 500 miles of streets that prohibit parking if there is two inches or more of snow. If you park on these streets overnight, the city will tow your car. Check those signs, or trudge down to the auto pound to pay the piper twice for the parking ticket and the tow. Oh, and hope your car is not damaged.
Since this is the first snowfall, the season of Dibs officially begins Dibs is reserving a shoveled-out parking space by putting barricades in the street to claim it. Dibs is a decades-old winter tradition in Chicago. Some people claim Dibs all winter long. They do not wait for the heavy snow. They claim their parking space when there is little snow or even a threat of snow.
People get creative to the point of setting out a dining table set with plates and silverware. There are plastic Christmas religious statues, inflatables, children’s plastic playhouses, nativity scenes, standing frozen pants, and other unique items. The usual items are milk crates, sawhorses, or lawn chairs, some with boards stretched across.
Dibs is technically illegal. According to the municipal code, streets will not be obstructed with items including “crates, boxes, or hogsheads” (Barrels). Like many in Chicago, including our politicians, no one cares about silly laws.
Dibs is controversial and leads people to damage cars, arguments, or even violence. Violent crimes committed over Dibs should not be a worry as our Cook County State’s Attorney, Kim Foxx, will not prosecute crimes of mutual combat.
Columnists and editorial boards have written pro, con, and humorous articles about the practice over the decades. Former mayors supported the tradition. Mayor Lori Lightfoot discourages Dibs, though she understands it- whatever that means.
How popular is Dibs? There are social media pages about the tradition, like this one on Pinterest. There is a Facebook page, too- Chicago Dibs.
Dibs is a form of tolerated subversiveness in this city of rogues, rascals, and reprobates. Your neighbors take to the streets with their shovels and snow blowers to clear a parking space, then put up the barricades. They worked hard for it, risking the widow making heart-a-stroke. They earned it. That space is theirs. “Whose streets? Our streets.” Why should some lazy, low-life motherless mook, mameluke, or jamoke reap the benefits of their hard work?
There is a Judge Dibs in Chicago. He is wise beyond his years, like the ancient Greek philosophers. Judge Dibs decides dibs cases based on the rules and the situation, using the “Dibstitution.”
Judge Dibs is tough but fair. He named me the Lord High Chamberlain of Dibs. However, I would have preferred Lord High Executioner, but Illinois eliminated the death penalty. I was honored to have such a title bestowed upon me. But I do not have the time to execute my duties. I have my own problems with people blocking my side driveway because Illinois issues driver’s licenses to blind people.
Some claim Dibs is uncivil. They believe people who toil should not reap the fruits of their labor. According to these apostates, we should be kind and understanding towards each other. A few go so far as to suggest people shovel out parking spaces for their neighbors or even the entire block. It is an act of kindness and a neighborly thing to do.
There is one problem with this line of thinking, if you call it that. Chicago, the “City of Neighborhoods,” does not have Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. I don’t know if they noticed, but Mr. Roger’s is dead, like their brain cells.
Winter is coming. Snow is coming. Dibs is the natural order of things. Let there be peace on Earth and Dibs in Chicago.
As Judge Dibs states:
“Respect Dibs. Revere the Dibstitution. And love thy neighbor, baby. So let it be written. So let it be done.”