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Image: PV Bella

Today is New Year’s Eve. As much as it pains me to be a humanitarian and good citizen of the world, I am including a PSA- Public Service Announcement- this New Year’s Eve.

 I should not have to say this. Unfortunately, we live in an age where the average adult is a low-information, over-educated intellectual idiot. They think they are smarter and more skilled than anyone else. The problem is they think.

Do not drink and drive tonight. Most of you cannot drive sober on a good day. I am amazed there is not a daily slaughter of the innocents with the way many people drive sober.

I do not care if you have been driving drunk since your high school days. One of the nice things about being religious is knowing facts. Fact, God created cabs and public trans for drunks.

Do not risk your life, the life of passengers, or the lives of other drivers and pedestrians. Take cabs to and from wherever you are going. If you are a miserly cheapskate and chiseler, take the L or a bus. Let the cab driver take you home. Do not literally take the cab. The same holds true for the bus. Buses are a bear to park or will not fit in your garage.

At the very least, if you get caught drunken driving, you will go to jail, where you belong. It will cost you thousands in legal fees, even if, by slim chance, you beat the charge. If they convict you, your total cost will be around twelve to fifteen thousand dollars, including the giant leap in insurance rates. At the very worst, you will catastrophically injure or kill others and/or yourself.

God used to take care of drunks and fools. Having been one, the other, or both on several occasions, I know this to be true. Unfortunately, God has been on vacation for a while figuring out where he went wrong by creating dumb beings called humans. He will not look after you.

Do not drink and drive.

If you make it home in one drunken piece, you will have a hangover. You may wake up hugging a cold stranger, the porcelain throne. There are more cures for hangovers than there are for chicken recipes. Hydration is important. Sports drinks, like Gatorade, help with some symptoms. So does rest. If you do not need to hug the porcelain, hydrate and go back to bed. Eventually, you will feel better. Then, once recovered, on New Year’s Day you can stuff your maw with whatever crap food you normally celebrate with. For some reason, junk food settles the tummy. It is the only health benefit junk food has.

Happy New Year.

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