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Holiday party advice

The holiday season starts with Thanksgiving and goes through Super Bowl Sunday. It is a time of merriment, cheer, parties, and overindulgence. Sometimes the dissipation is of Bacchanalian proportions.

The problems with these levels of alcoholic overindulgences are extreme embarrassment, people talking, people posting things on social media, memory loss, especially if you do not remember if you made a fool of yourself, and the very real possibility you can get fired if it was a company event. There is also the dreaded hangover, for which there is no real cure.

In the cheerful spirit of all the various holidays, here is some helpful expert advice, ahem, based on my observations through the decades of holiday celebrations.

You do not have to drink every last drop of booze from every bottle at the party. Be polite. Remember etiquette. Other lushes want to drink as much, if not more, than you. Spread the cheer, alcohol-induced sickness, and hangovers around. Do not be a selfish savage.

If you are going to drink, stick with one kind of drink. You do not have to try everything someone puts into your hand. Forget the shots, too. The fastest way to hugging the porcelain is to put all kinds of different alcohol and mixers in your system. Jell-O shots or any drinks made with fruit punch or other highly sweetened so-called juices should be avoided.

Remember, this is the age of smartphones and social media. Your boss, spouse, partner, children, or other family members will not want to see that picture of you guzzling booze from the bottle, throwing up on the carpet, or passed out on the floor cradling empties.

Speaking of smartphones, the last thing you want is your fat-arsed plumbers crack or the top of your thong and tramp stamp all over Facebook because of your drunken, dirty dancing.

Keep yourself hydrated. Hydrated means drinking water between cocktails, not beer chasers. Nibble, snack, and eat during your course of drinking. Putting all that booze on an empty stomach is a harbinger of disaster. It may cause an all too early-end to your festivities.

Do not drink and drive. God made cabs for drunks who own cars. Take a taxi or rideshare to and from your drunken revelry. Drinking and driving can have tragic or lethal consequences. If you are lucky enough to be stopped by the police, drunk driving can have costly consequences. Legal fees are not cheap. It may cost you well over ten thousand dollars if you are convicted, including fines and the vastly higher insurance rates.

Take cabs if you plan to drink. Oh, and write down your home address on your hand. If you are too inebriated to speak coherently, you can show the cab driver the address.

If you are stumbling home from a neighbor’s party and need to clear your head, the worst thing you can do is stick it into a snowbank. You may not be able to get your head out, or you may sink lower into the bank and get stuck. While your upper body is immobilized, your legs will be kicking like a dying cockroach. Aside from the various unconcerned people who will pass you by, you are a perfect target for a dog who needs a place to lift its leg. The dog owner may have a smartphone too. Then again, some people with a warped sense of humor may steal your shoes or, worse, your pants. Imagine your ugly bare feet and legs sticking out of a snowbank.

Last but not least, the dreaded hangover. Look, there are no real cures. There are ways to mitigate some of the symptoms until your body processes the overabundance of alcohol in your system. When you peel your eyelids open, sit up slowly from wherever you slept. Ease out of bed, off the floor, out of the bathtub, or off the couch.

Hydrate. Once again, hydration is water, not the hairs of the various dogs that bit you. Another good rule is to stock up ahead of time on sports drinks. Sip them slowly to get electrolytes back into your system. Go back to bed or wherever you feel most comfortable and try to get more sleep.

If you must drag your bedraggled, hungover, pale, bloodshot-eyed self into work the following day, do not ask stupid questions like, “Did I do anything foolish last night.” The pathetic looks and muffled giggling will tell you all you need to know. So will the security guard who escorts you from the building because you got fired for drunkenly and obscenely hitting on the boss’s spouse, mistress, or family member.

The holiday season is a time for merriment, cheer, and goodwill towards your fellow man. If you overdo the goodwill and cheer, you might end up working at Goodwill.

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