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TimeOut Chicago is the Idiots Guide to Nowhere

Image: PV Bella

“Don’t be a jagoff! Brush up on all of the essential Chicago lingo with our helpful dictionary.” (TimeOut Chicago)

Speaking of jagoffs, TimeOut Chicago should give the solo flyers who write for them a time out in dark corners with dunce hats. The “editors” put together a piece, “20 slang words that every Chicagoan should know.” Originally published in March 2020, they shared it on their Facebook page the other day.

It is pure garbage for the most part. I would grade it a D- and send the little jagoffs off to detention. 

If you want to learn anything about Chicago, do not read TimeOut Chicago or Chicago Magazine, for that matter. They are not the definitive go-to publications for anything Chicago. They really should remove Chicago from the mastheads and replace it with “The Idiot’s Guide to Nothing and Nowhere.”

Slang: n- a type of language that consists of words and phrases that are regarded as very informal, are more common in speech than writing, and are typically restricted to a particular context or group of people. Ex. Dope(s) is slang for TimeOut Chicago editors. 

Most of what they describe as local “lingo” or slang is not. A little research would dig up real Chicago slang. The little onanists probably used picture books, like the Kama Sutra, for research while coloring them with their boxes of crayolas. They got a little extra tingle when they sniffed the box. 

Bungalows are not single-story homes with slanted roofs. The bungalow is a specific architectural design that can be one or two stories. Bungalow roofs are not just slanted. They have different shapes, unlike the brains of the self-abusing TimeOut editors.

Chicago Mix® was a registered brand name of caramel corn, not a slang term.

Pedway has a formal definition. It is not slang. It is a generally accepted portmanteau. Pedways are over, or underground pedestrian walkways are found all over the world. Pedways are not only found in Chicago. They are not part of the local lingo, contrary to what the little wankers at TimeOut Chicago believe.

A coach house is not a small apartment located in the rear of a property. It is a small or large house, usually the original home, on the property. It is a f**kinhouse, not an apartment unless it is above a garage that used to be a barn or stable. The editors must have come up with this during a circle jerk.

Chicago handshake? I never heard of that drink. The Chicago handshake is a warm greeting a close friend or “associate” gives before he kills you, per the Mob’s orders. They have not killed anyone in a long time.

The El is called the L now and has been for over two years. Update your style manual.

Mild sauce is not slang. It is the name of a sauce. Geez, are soy, tomato, bearnaise, and pesto sauces are slang too?

Jagoff is not only a term of derision. It is also a friendly term, like when laughing with a pal, you say, “You really are a jagoff.” When discussing TimeOut Chicago, I always refer to them as those jagoffs.

Every time the wankers at TimeOut Chicago write something about Chicago, they get it wrong. The problem is their readership is made up of gullible people dumber than the editors. They believe the nonsense. Maybe the editors at TimeOut Chicago should spend less time under their blankets, humming, and more time doing real research.

If you really want. To learn Chicago lingo, here ya go.

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