Skip to content

Write Your Own Obit

Image: PV Bella

Every day the obituaries are the same. I do not understand how people always die in alphabetical order. I came across this obit in one of my news feeds. Over the past few years, I saw other humorous obituaries like it. 

Unless you are a well-known person, lived a fascinating life, or someone pays for a few paragraphs for you, your obituary will be boring. It will be clinical. It will read just like the rest of the people who die in alphabetical order every day.

John Bland: John Bland, aged 98. Bland was the loving husband of Dorthea (nee Boring), who predeceased him in death, loving father of John Jr.(Hazel) and Joseph (Wanda). He was the loving owner of two dogs, five cats, three parakeets, and a ferret. Services were private. 

You could get creative or have someone write an obituary for you, like this one:

Richie Racer: Richard “Richie” Racer, aged 70, a lifelong resident of Phuquing, Illinois, left this world the way he lived it, in the fast lane. If he could not eat it, drink it, steal it, or fuck it, he broke it. He was the philandering husband of Glory (nee Peeler). He was the father of children known and unknown to him. He rushed through life as if there was no time to lose. His motto was live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse. 

Mr. Racer was a very impressionable man. He left the impressions of his mistresses on motel mattresses all over town. Mr. Racer was an animal lover. He loved animals more than people, including his own family. He especially loved horses, betting on them at the Phuquing Racetrack. 

Mr. Racer lived a full and rewarding life. He enjoyed drinking, gambling, and carousing. He loved to sing, dance, and party. His last words were, “I ain’t gonna dance no more.” 

The wake will be held at the Weboxem funeral parlor. Funeral services will be at the Crystal Meth. Church of Phuquing. What is described as a Bacchanal celebration of his life will be held, per his final request, next month at the Phuqing Pussy Cat Gentlemen’s Club.

Look, death is eternal and depressing. You may as well make it fun, quirky, and humorous. Give the mourners something to remember and laugh about.

Published inUncategorized