Last updated on April 13, 2022
Chicago politicians are treated like ancient Roman deities. They are revered, worshipped, and more importantly, feared.
I do not understand why people idolize politicians. Idolizing a politician is like believing a stripper or prostitute loves you. Living in Chicago, I realized why the Great Comedian only let Noah only put animals on the ark.
In Chicago, there are too few politicians to idolize or admire. Most are deserving of disrespect and derision. They give low-lives a good name. Some elected officials provide entertainment and comedic relief when they are not plundering our pockets with taxes or grabbing graft.
Our politicians are also noted for their colorful hyperbole. Mayor Lori Lightfoot topped the cake when she remarked about her d**k size.
It is not just politicians who deserve derision. The Superintendent of Police and First deputy Superintendent are the best comedy team in town. They are running the Chicago Police Department like the Keystone Cops.
Getting angry over how this city is being run into the ground is futile since the voters have pea-sized brains. They keep electing and reelecting these people. There is only one thing to do, poke fun at them.
Chicago politicians and other notables are known for their colorful nicknames like our former outfit characters. There were Hinky Dink, Bathhouse, Gray Wolves, The Undertaker, Fast Eddy, and Big Bill, to name a few.
Columnist John Kass took things to a more academic level by using Latin nicknames. First, it was Commodious Maximus for Governor Pritzker. He recently named Mayor Lori Lightfoot Phallus Maximus due to her bragging about her d**k size.
The mayor and governor are not the only ones who deserve Latin appellations. Others in this Ventosus Urbs should have Latin nicknames. A few more than one.
So, let’s play the Nomen Ludus, The Name Game.
Populus Chicago Quiritium, amicique et cives mei, benigne me attenteque audiatis.*
- Holoserica Malleus/Velvet Hammer
- Torva Serpens/Grim Creeper
- Crypta Custos/Crypt Keeper
- Inclementia Caesar/Merciless Emperor
Cook County Board President Toni Preckwinkle:
- Machina Bulla/Machine Boss
- Magnus Maculus/Big Stick
- Tace Malum Maga/Silent Evil Magician
Chief Judge Tim Evans
- Dominus Ito Per/Mr. Go Along
State’s Attorney Kim Foxx
- Minima I Adsignatos/Mini Me Minion
Regina de Mortum/Queen of Death
Alderwoman Michele Smith
- Aureum Sibilus Ceraula/Golden Whistle Blower
Alderman Ed Burke
- Maximus Thunnus/Big Tuna
Superintendent of Police David Brown
- Bovis Puer/Cowboy
First Deputy Superintendent of Police Eric Carter
- Equus Asinus/Horse’s A**
Alderman James Gardiner
- Vitiosus Canis/Vicious Dog
Alderman Patrick Thompson**
- Maximus Corripio Manus/Big Stealing Hands
Alderman Scott Waguespack
- Dominus Mundus/Mister Clean
Alderman James Cappleman
- Dominus Scire Nihil/Mister Know Nothing
- MaximusCurrus Legio/Big Chariot Legion
Last but not least, Chicagoans
- Stolidus Cives Vet/Stupid Citizen Voters
*People of Chicago citizens, and my friends and fellow citizens, listen to me kindly and attentively.
**Thompson resigned due to his indictment for financial crimes.