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Chicago’s biggest and best

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“At #BarTucci Homemade Italian Food, we are a FAMILY made up of Italian-Americans, Asian-Americans, African-Americans, Latino-Americans, but most importantly a FAMILY made up of just plain old great HUMAN BEINGS.

The BarTucci Family and #BarTucciGivesBack have always led by example to help strengthen our community and culture.

But sometimes, you just need to put it on the table…?

This weekend’s dinner special was brought to you by the Mayor of Chicago, Lori Lightfoot, and her vulgar comments towards Italian Americans.

???????? ???????: “The Lori Lightfoot” ?

FREE 9″ Italian Sausage braised in white wine, garlic, and bay leaves with proof that you liked, shared, or commented on this post.

????? ????????? ??? ????-?? ???? (Bar Tucci/Facebook)

It was only a matter of time. When the story about Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s claim to have the “biggest d**k in Chicago, our creatives in the food world rose to the challenge, as you can see from the above Facebook post.

Others are joining the fray.

Lloyds Westside Maxwell St. Polish offers the Lightfootlong, a twelve-inch Polish sandwich with grilled onions.

Putanesca Bakery is offering a pastry swap with longer cannoli they created. “Leave a strap-on. Take the cannoli.”

Disco Danny’s, a South Side retro 70’s bar and restaurant offers Lori’s Long Dong for stuffing down the front of those retro tight-fitting disco pants. to “impress” the ladies.

Kluski Lane, a concept restaurant and sex toy shop, is offering the Lightfootski, a dinner of kielbasa, the length of your choice served with indyk kulki over noodles.

Krapisski’s Deli has several hanging and swinging smoked and cured Priapus brand sausages in various lengths and girths. They are sold by the inch instead of the pound.

Chisicle Freeze offers the Lorisicle, “The Biggest Popsicle in Chicago.” Their proprietary process. It melts slower and lasts longer.

Southwest Side Chi-Tex Tamales offers the Pie Ligero, a foot-long tamale with chorizo sheathed in their signature tubular wrapper. They are sold frozen by the half dozen for pick up at their drive-through in the rear entry of the factory.

 Goose Island Beef, a manufacturer of proprietary wieners for others, offers The Best Biggest Wiener in Chicago, fourteen inches, sheathed in a natural casing. They partnered with Bum-Bun bakery, which made buns to stick the wieners in. You can order both by the dozen for pick-up at their factory store.

Beanie Weenies, the smallest hot dog stand in Chicago, offers the ten-inch Lori Hot Dong on a sesame seed bun, dragged through the garden. The sandwich comes with a side of their famous baked beans .

Hinky Dinks, an Irish restaurant, and bar, offers a longer version of their Irish breakfast sausages, Lori’s Biggest Bangers. They are only sold at breakfast with toast or the full Irish breakfast. They will not be sold on Sundays.

Jilly’s Best Beef offers the Biggest Lori Combo, their famous Italian beef sandwich with a footlong house-made Italian sausage nestled in their artisan bread, topped with sweet and hot. It is only sold dipped.

Tommy Salami, Chicago’s Salami King, created specially shaped large hard salamis. They are hanging prominently in his store.

Simco’s Hungarian Deli created a nine-inch smoked paprika sausage called the Long Dong Lori. It is available while quantities last.

Schwanz Sausage Shop and Deli offers a unique selection of smoked and cured sausages in various lengths and shapes, all sheathed in natural casings called  Licht Fuß. Being up to the challenge, they will give you bragging rights to own the biggest sausage in Chicago, hard or semi-soft in their natural casings. Call to order in the length you desire. There is a two-week wait.

As late spring through early fall brings street fests, one of the corn dog producers will be providing a foot-long dog on a stick. It is called Lori’s Biggest Stick. Festival vendors already have orders in. It comes with a dipping sauce.

A few delis and sausage makers are partnering to build a sausage-shaped food truck, the biggest Sausagemobile in the country, to put Chicago on the map. They plan to sell the biggest wieners and sausages in Chicago. All sausage sandwiches will be named after Chicago politicians, with Lori Lightfoot having the biggest sausage. Their first planned stop will be outside City Hall.

Lori Lightfoot’s size boast drove a spate of creativity in our food creatives to make size matter. So get out there, Chicago, and stuff your maw with big sausages, wieners, and other tubular delights, gag reflex be damned.

Ya gotta have a sense of humor to survive in Chicago, with all the politicians and others sticking it to us and wet their big, bigger, or biggest d**ks.

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