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Month: April 2022

Uptown Update is the voice of precious privilege

Image: PV Bella

As we understand it, there are up to 12 different laws being broken every day the homeless encampments stay in place (the Americans With Disabilities Act, Illinois statutes, City ordinances and Park District Code). (Uptown Update)

The anonymous* oh-so-precious overprivileged people at the Uptown Update have their silk knickers in a wedgie over the homeless encampments on Lawrence Avenue under DuSable LSD and in the park between Lawrence and Wilson. There were fires in the encampments, over the past weeks, causing propane tanks to explode.

They probably wrote this piece while sipping their 14-ingredient soy latte, with multiple syrups, whipped oat cream, and sprinkles on top. Or maybe some kind of chai. It must be nice to pound their chests and keyboards with their snooty class privilege. Uptown Update is a shining bad example of gentrification.

For whatever reasons, homelessness is a growing and increasingly severe problem in Chicago. There are other larger and smaller encampments throughout the city. Chicago has been ignoring the mass homeless problem for years. Occasionally, the city goes out with the news media in tow to highlight the issue and show what they are pretending to do about it. The media laps it up and showers praise on City Hall.

The syphilitic parasitics at Uptown Update, like the two aldercritters, Cappleman and Osterman, do not care about the plight of the homeless so long as they are gone, poof disappeared. Voila!

Uptown Update cites laws that are being broken. I bet they do not cite laws being broken daily with abandon by the two-wheeled terrorist cyclists, endangering pedestrians, and themselves. It is also a good bet Uptown Update never cites laws broken by the criminals on public transportation who think buses and trains are their private dining areas or cafes. Many lawbreakers probably live in Uptown.

Who knows? Maybe some or all the anonymous people at Uptown Update are desperados, breaking those laws with impunity. The terrorist cyclists, diners, and sippy cup sippers on public transportation do not follow the law, are not being asked to, and are never cited for their criminality.

While many issues cause homelessness, including alcohol and substance abuse, mental illness, or financial reasons where people give up hope, no one chooses to be homeless.

For decades the city ignored impoverished people. Now, they ignore the homeless. Solutions were offered to mitigate the problem through the decades. None were tried. So far, my enlightened solution has been ignored.

Most shelters fill up quickly before nightfall, and the homeless must be out by morning. Others have strict rules that make it difficult for people suffering from substance abuse or mental handicaps to comply with.

Uptown Update may be fed up and want to give voice to their readers, but who is giving voice to the homeless? All over Uptown, gentrified housing developments are being built or planned, with the gleeful willingness of the aldercritters and celebrated by Uptown Update. Yet, no transitional housing with social, educational, medical, mental health, or other services is being planned or built to assist the homeless. Not in Uptown or the rest of the city.

The prim and proper obsessive diaper sniffers at Uptown Update and the aldercritters are the NIMBY people- NOT IN MY BACK YARD.!!! If there is something that will help someone else, they are against it. They are all for one, one for all, and everyone for themselves.

The final solution the NIMBYs at Uptown Update demand is for the city and state to apply the law- “…drive the homeless from public land.” Where are they going to be driven off to? Are the homeless livestock? Are they advocating for a human cattle drive? Or do they want them driven to another neighborhood, making them someone else’s problem? , it is the right thing to do for the community at large and for the people who are living in extremely dangerous conditions.” Hitler did, and Putin is doing what they thought is the “right thing,” too. They drove and are driving people like cattle to other places. It is called atrocity.

Spare me the faux outrage over the Hitler and Putin comparisons. When you advocate treating humans like animals- driving them- you are no better than those two villains. You are evil personified. I don’t think Uptown Update and the neighborhood residents know who the hell they are. They look at themselves in the mirror and see nothing. If they do happen to see someone, they expect the image staring back at them to say hello first.

Uptown Update and the residents of Uptown are merciless, cruel, and bear ill will towards anyone not privileged like them. After them, everyone else comes first.

*On the Uptown Update site there are no real names of “reporters” on the pieces. There is no name of an editor or publisher. There is not even an About Page. It is a total anonymous publication. Makes one wonder who is really behind Uptown Update, and who they really speak for or promote, and who pays them off. What are the cowards at Uptown Update afraid of? Exposure? Inquiring minds want to know.

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday. For the faithful, Good Friday commemorates the death of Jesus Christ. It leads us into Easter Sunday, celebrating His resurrection.

For three days, Thursday through Sunday, believers commemorate a feast, the capture, and suffering of Christ, His Crucifixion, death, burial, and resurrection. The Easter weekend also symbolizes the transition from winter and death to spring, beginning a new life.

A local harbinger of spring was the birth of the first bison of this year at Fermilab. Fermilab has a herd of over 30 bison on a reconstructed all grass prairie established in 1969. Every spring, new calves are born. Other signs of spring are flowers and other greenery blooming, despite the yo-yo weather.

The four seasons celebrate life, death, rejuvenation, and rebirth. It is the nature of the Earth. The exception to the life-death cycle is the human species. The Fifth Commandment states, “Thou shalt not kill.” The actual translation is “Thou shalt not murder.” Somehow, through the millennia, humans have not adapted.

There is no resurrection, no celebration of life’s rejuvenation. To quote John Prine, “And I always will remember these words my daddy said. He said, ” Buddy, when you’re dead, you’re a dead pecker-head.” (When I get to Heaven)

Humans consider ourselves the superior species, yet we are the only species on Earth that keeps killing its own, whether it is murders or wars. Some superiority. For some reason, we just cannot stop murdering or trying to murder each other. Animals are the only species that obey the commandment.

Between 2020 and 2021, over 1500 people were shot and killed in Chicago. Their families commemorate them. Thousands more were wounded. It was two years of relentless violence.

War is raging in Ukraine. Thousands of innocent people are being slaughtered by the murderous Russian army on orders of its blood-thirsty leader. Millions more were driven from their homes. Unknown thousands were taken to Russia and placed in “filtration” camps before being taken to undisclosed locations in the far north. History is repeating itself.

So, that’s what they wanted: lies. Beautiful lies. That’s what they needed. (Charles Bukowski)

Humans keep making excuses for murder and the mass murder of war. Guns, drugs, gangs, poverty, racism, economics, covetous, nationalism, mental health, and a host of other issues. They are all lies. Beautiful lies we need to believe in our supposed human superiority. The beautiful lies make us feel better about our so-called humanity. Some of the lies we tell ourselves, others are provided by politicians and their propagandists. More beautiful lies are made up by mental health “professionals” to allegedly explain behavior.

Our propensity to murder proves humans are not humane. As a species, we are devoid of humanity. Humanity is another beautiful lie we created to make us feel good about ourselves.

Between Chicago and Ukraine, the Grim Reaper and the Angel of Death are working overtime together. There are no legions of Archangels to protect or rescue us from ourselves. We are our own worst enemies.

Easter celebrates renewal and the promise of hope. Unfortunately, human society is hopeless. We do not practice what we preach.

If you go to Good Friday services today, say a prayer for Chicago. Your life may depend on it. Say a prayer for Ukraine. Their existence depends on it.

Easter and Peeps

Image: PV Bella

It is that time of year again when a disgusting holiday food item appears. It joins the list of disgusting things like Pumpkin Spice and Candy Corn.

The disgusting Easter treats are Peeps, those neon-colored chicks or bunnies. They are popular with children. They look tempting but are just as disgusting as Candy Corn. It is claimed they are almost indestructible. Supposedly the eyes are indestructible.

When my daughter was in first or second grade, she was going to a play date around Easter. She said they were going to assassinate Peeps. You put them in the microwave and “assassinate” them. It is about all they are good for.

Peeps are made with sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, and dyes. Peeps were originally produced by Just Born, a candy manufacturer in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Other candy companies make similar confections. They are all horrible.

Peeps have only one use, decorative. They have no flavor except sugar. The texture is anywhere from chewy to sandy, depending on their age. Like candy corn, I cannot fathom why something with no flavor is so popular. Maybe people’s imaginations run wild, thinking they taste something other than pure sugar.

Easter will be celebrated next week by sects of Ukraine Catholics and the Ukraine Orthodox Church(s) in Ukraine. Bogged down in an unprovoked invasion with death, destruction, displacement, war crimes, and genocide, it is difficult to comprehend how Ukrainians can celebrate the joy of Christ’s Resurrection.

The Ukraine people are suffering and fighting a relentless, heartless, soulless enemy. Worse, their president must literally beg the supposed free world for weaponry to fight to save his nation and the lives of his people.

While celebrating Easter, if you are a believer, pray for Ukraine. There will be no joy for them this year.

A Monday modest proposal

Image: PV Bella

I was in a saloon Saturday watching the Cubs and White Sox games. Other televisions had the Masters Tournament on. Who in their right mind watches golf on television, especially in a saloon? Golf is the most boring sport in the world next to curling. It is the equivalent of watching paint dry or waiting for a fly to die on someone’s face.

People who watch golf live dull, meaningless, and worthless lives. Avid golfers are psychotic. Maybe someone could come up with a conversion therapy for those poor souls.

Golf courses are a massive waste of valuable real estate and create environmental problems with all the chemicals needed to keep all that useless grass green and healthy. Some years back, a study linked certain cancers to people who lived next to golf courses due to the chemicals.

Golf courses use copious amounts of water to keep the grass growing. What a waste of a precious resource. Then, there is the maintenance, mowing, raking, etc. Another waste of time. Golf is a wasteful sport with no redeeming social value.

This brings me to a modest proposal. We have a severe problem with homelessness in Chicago. City Hall would rather we overlook the homeless camps, people living on the El or in the El stations, the underground Wacker and Michigan Avenues, or other places. They pretend the homeless do not exist. They would rather the homeless stay invisible.

No one in this city of political and social service dullards can come up with a solution to mitigate homelessness. They are not even trying. They cater to the two-wheeled bicycle terrorists and rental bike, and scooter corporations. Our local news media treats the homeless population as if they did not exist. They are the spokes weasels for the city, hyping whatever the city tells them to and ignoring real issues.

George Carlin came up with the perfect solution to homelessness. (Video below) Turn golf courses into housing for the homeless. Golf courses are a waste of property for people who dress funny to hit little white balls around the grass. Nine Chicago golf courses can be legally turned into communities to temporarily house the homeless, assist them, and transition people to employment and permanent housing.

Small to medium manufactured homes could be inexpensively built, including social service, centers, educational, job training, medical clinics, dining, and recreation facilities. The homeless can be sheltered, assisted with whatever problems they are suffering from, seek employment, and eventually transition to their own housing. The city could even offer training programs to transition people to city employment. City Hall could partner with other experienced providers like The Salvation Army.

Some of the acreages of the courses could be turned into organic farms and greenhouses to grow food for the inhabitants and sell at onsite farmer’s markets.

Chicago Park District golf courses could be easily transferred to the city. Privately owned golf courses could be taken through eminent domain. They would be considered blight- useless waste of property and ecologically unsound. There is probably a way to get state and federal funding for such an undertaking.

Converting golf courses to communities to assist and transition the homeless is a way better and more humane use of those green wastelands. There would still be a few city courses left, as the land cannot be built on for esthetic or legal reasons. Golfers also can go to the burbs to play with their little balls.

If Chicago is to be a humane and compassionate city, turning useless golf courses into housing, social services, job training, and transitioning centers is the best use of those properties. The NIMBYs will protest and cry foul. No one should care what they think. They are not coming up with simple solutions to issues. Screw them.

Carlin was ahead of his time and right. Hey, mayor Lightfoot, get on board and grab all that real estate to assist the homeless. Chicago does not need golf. Homeless people need help. It is a simple, elegant solution.

Here is a list of the golf courses that could and should be converted to assist the homeless:

Columbus Park

Robert A. Black

Billy Caldwell


Marquette Park

Douglas Park

Indian Boundary

Beverly Country Club

Ridge CC

Give Royko* a statue

Image: Chicago Tribune

“Find a writer who has something American to say, and nine times out of ten you will find he has some connection with the Gargantuan abattoir by Lake Michigan- he was bred there, or got his start there, or passed through there when he was young and tender.” (Henry L. Mencken/American Mercury 1933)

Mike Royko had something to say, a lot to say. Finding a writer with something American to say is harder and harder these days. Journalists or columnists who know the streets, saloons, alleys, Els, working stiffs and the real people who make this city great are rare. Finding one who can talk like and appeal to them is even rarer. Oh, there are a few still out there, still barely hanging on. But for how long?

In 1963 the Chicago Daily News gave a gawky goofy looking guy a column of his own. That guy went on to enrage, enlighten, and entertain Chicago for over 30 years. That guy was Mike Royko. There is a petition on to erect a statue of Mike Royko. “Chicago, the greatest city, deserves a statue of Mike Royko, its greatest columnist.”

The Chicago School of Journalism started its slow death on April 29th, 1997, when Mike Royko died. All that is left is to give Chicago journalism the last rights, drive a stake through its heart, and cremate it.

Royko was the best columnist in the country when he was alive. He was the preeminent chronicler of Chicago, its politics, people, and the Chicago way. Any and every topic was fodder for a Royko column. A former colleague and friend was the subject of one of his columns. (Subscription may be required.) No one did it better at the time.

“Dijareadroyko” was on the lips of many Chicagoans daily. On public trans, in the workplace, on the street, in the diners and bars, and whispered in City Hall. No matter how big or powerful, he could and would sting you. No matter how low or insignificant, he could champion your cause.

Like our mayors, politicians, and bureaucrats, Royko was a guy people loved to hate and hated to love. He could make you laugh, cry, or get angry, sometimes in the same column.

Royko, like most Chicago artists, was prodigious. Royko wrote a column five days a week for over thirty years. His columns were syndicated in more than 600 newspapers. He wrote over 7500 columns. He also wrote a column for Reader’s Digest called “That’s Outrageous.”

He started his column with the Daily News. When that paper folded, he went to the Chicago Sun-Times. He eventually landed at the Chicago Tribune, a paper he said he would never work for. He left the Times because it was bought by someone he thought was odious.

Royko was fearless. He did not care about the powers that be or being “offensive,” whatever that means. Being offended is a personal choice. Others are not responsible for the choices people make. Mike Royko was human, which means he was not perfect. As the Son of the Great of the Great Comedian once said, “Let he who is perfect cast the first brick.”

Mike Royko was a son of Chicago. Many thought he was a son of a something else. He was born, raised, and lived his life here until he moved to the leafy suburbs, where people go to wait to die.

Aside from his political columns, Mike Royko was a champion of the little guy, the oppressed, the victims of the Chicago way, the blue-collar ethnic working-class, and the poor. He gave people who had no say a voice.

Royko’s good friend Studs Terkel summed up his legacy:

“He was possessed by a demon. How else to explain the tavern keeper’s kid, in a world he never made, a world compressed into one, cockeyed wonder of a city; of “haves” kicking the bejeepers out of “have-nots”; of Jane Addams and Al Capone; of Florence Scala, a neighborhood heroine, and Richard J. Daley- and of Slats Grobnik, for God’s sake. Royko was the right one in the right city at the right time: to tell us in small tales what this big, crazy world in the last half of the twentieth century was all about. And the devil made him do it.” (The Best of Mike Royko One more Time/University of Chicago Press)

There is a statue of a mere gossip columnist, Irv Kupcinet, and statues of beloved sports announcers, Harry Caray and Jack Brickhouse. There is no statue for another beloved Chicago columnist, Ann Landers (Eppie Lederer). It is past time for her to have a statue too.

Royko was a devotee of 16-inch softball, the only softball in Chicago. I still do not know why 12-inch softball is not banned in this city. By the way, who wears gloves to play softball? I guess the powers that be do not want to offend the Wussie community. They might cry, protest, and band together to form an organization- Little Balls Matter, LBM.

Maybe a statue of Royko holding a sixteen-inch softball aloft like Hamlet holding the skull of “Poor Yorick” would be cool. Royko would appreciate the Shakespearean element. When I shared the petition on Facebook, a friend, the Geriatric Genius, stated the statue should be in front of City Hall, with Royko giving it the finger. It could be put on the ugly Daley concrete flower partition in the middle of the street.

Mike Royko deserves a statue and an honorary street named after him wherever it is erected. Royko Road has a nice ring to it. If not a sculpture, a permanent mural or mosaic mural would be lovely. Chicago has great artists who would do justice to the project.

If we can erect a statue of a mere gossip columnist, we should have one for Royko, who contributed so much commentary, laughter, anger, and entertainment to the people of this city. Then, we can talk about a statue for Ann Landers.

*For those who came to Chicago from someplace else, calling people by their last names is a long-held and cherished Chicago tradition.

Shh its a secret

Image: PV Bella

The Chicago Park District has filed a motion attempting to seal a lawsuit involving allegations that Mayor Lori Lightfoot berated a lawyer and used obscene language in a Zoom call over a Christopher Columbus statue — an unusual move that would keep the public in the dark about the case. (Chicago Tribune)

Nothing changes in the junkyard politics of Chicago. The Chicago Park District wants the courts to seal a lawsuit by an attorney against the city over a Zoom meeting where the mayor berated the attorney.

“You make some kind of secret agreement with Italians. … You are out there stroking your d—- over the Columbus statue, I am trying to keep Chicago police officers from being shot and you are trying to get them shot,” Lightfoot said, according to the complaint. “My d— is bigger than yours and the Italians, I have the biggest d— in Chicago.” (Mayor Lori Lightfoot/Chicago Tribune)

The Park District claims making the lawsuit public will adversely affect another case they are fighting on the removal of the Christopher Columbus Statues. The Chicago Park District wants Omerta, silence. No dirty laundry needs to be exposed, proven, or disproven. The only things that change in Chicago are the names. The opacity and lack of accountability are still the rule of law in Chicago.

Both lawsuits are against public entities, the City of Chicago and the Chicago Park District. They are not the CIA or NSA, where secrets must be preserved. The lawsuits are in the public interest. I guess someone does not want the public to hear or see what really happened during that meeting. The Park District had enough ugly publicity over the sexual harassment and assault allegations they tried to cover up.

They are acting like the old Mafia- “This thing of ours is secret, secret.” (Gotti Movie) Nothing gets out, even from the courts. One could wonder what else was said during that Zoom meeting. The real question is whether the Park District is acting in its own interest or on orders from Mayor Lori Lightfoot and her self-preservation interest.

The Chicago Way is still alive and kicking in Chicago. It works. It works for the elected officials and their appointees. It does not work for the people. The people do not count. We pay taxes to support their perfidy. What other secrets is City Hall or the Chicago Park District hiding from the public?

By the way, where are the courageous and fearless investigative reporters digging into the machinations at City Hall? Are they extinct? When we need them the most, they are nowhere to be found. The few who claim the title are nothing but mere poseurs.

Alderman Paddy Bauler was right all those decades ago. “Chicago ain’t ready for reform.” It wasn’t then, and it isn’t now. It never will be.

When it comes to public entities, there is another word for secrets. Lies. Secrets are lies. Every time an elected official, appointee, bureaucrat, or spokes weasel flaps their soup coolers, they lie.

We are being lied to about public safety or the lack thereof. We are being lied to about city finances. We are being lied to about everything.

All liars are not politicians or bureaucrats. All politicians and bureaucrats are liars. They make liars look trustworthy.

Da Bears again

Image: PV Bella

“With little support from Chicago or the state, any aid would probably be a local tax district to pay for roads and infrastructure… In Chicago, taxpayers are still paying $432 million plus interest of the $690 million it cost to renovate the Bears’ current home at Soldier Field in 2003” (Chicago Tribune/Emphasis Mine)

Hmm? Why would Chicago, or the state for that matter, provide support for the McCaskey Bears move to Arlington Heights? Inquiring minds want to know.

If the McCaskey’s want to build a new stadium in Arlington Heights and the town wants the stadium, why should Chicagoan’s tax dollars support it? Why should state tax dollars support it? We will be paying for the improvements to Soldier Field long after the McCaskey’s leave.

As I wrote before, the Bears had over three or four decades to build a stadium on available vacant land in the city, including the Chicago Riverfront. All that property is now being developed for housing and commercial enterprises, along with the necessary infrastructure. Instead of renovating Soldier Field, the McCaskey’s and the city could and should have built a new stadium to suit the needs of the team and the league.

The team owners and the city could have created a year-round entertainment venue and destination area with a domed stadium for year-round use. It would have spurred economic development in the areas surrounding the stadium and given the city a shot in the arm from various taxes and fees.

The Sox, Bulls, and Blackhawks stayed put and built new multi-use venues. The Cubs reworked Wrigley Field and helped turn the neighborhood into a destination and tourist area, with hotels and other venues. My only conclusion is the McCaskeys have no love for Chicago. They adore the suburbs and ex-burbs. That is where they live. They want to “play” in the same milieu as their homes.

The other reason is somewhat informed speculation. The McCaskeys are as miserly as their grandfather, George Halas. It was said Halas tossed around change like manhole covers. The McCaskey’s are cheapskates and chiselers. They want taxpayers to foot most of the bill for their stadium.

There are still tracts of land available in Chicago to build a stadium. There is money available through the NFL, as they helped fund other stadiums. The McCaskey’s would rather give an economic boost to a suburb than the city that made them. Yes, much of their fan base is in the burbs. They come to Chicago, along with out of towners, to spend money. That money creates various taxes and other revenues. Why should we support the Miserly McCaskey’s move? Their move is our loss.

The McCaskey Bears and family do not deserve one more cent from the city or the state. If Arlington Heights wants the Bears so bad, they can find their own way to support the new stadium. Let the burden fall on them and their taxpayers.

We suffered enough under the McCaskey’s.

TimeOut Chicago shart the bed again

Looking at you Image: PV Bella

TimeOut Chicago has to be the worst of the worst media about Chicago. Their tagline is, “We know Chicago. Do you.” It is a big lie. The chromosomal defectives who write for that trash bag know absolutely zero, zip, nada about Chicago. Now, they are trying to give “law abiding lessons.” What are they, law dogs?

I get that the children who write this drivel want to appear cool and hip. But cool and especially hip means you know what the f**k you are talking about. You have useful knowledge to impart. The operative word is knowledge. Worse, their editors let them get away with this cazzate. The editors have no editorial standards.

Their latest Class X felony came across my social media feed yesterday. The 13 rules of living in Chicago Here’s how to unofficially be a law-abiding citizen of Chicago.Who elected these know-nothing wankers as the “law abiding” police? It is just more ignorant stupidity from crayon-wielding kindergarteners. Why are they promoting a two-year-old article on social media again?

Here is the list of their latest mortal sins. As the Polish nuns would say, Jesus, Mary, and Jumpin Joseph.

Master CTA etiquette.  Don’t stand at the door. Take your backpack off. Blah, blah, blah. If people have to be reminded of this, they have no business on public transportation. They and we would be better off if they pi**ed on the third rail to thin out the herd. The sin of the wastes of putrid protoplasm at TimeOut is one of omission. They refuse to put in is do not eat or drink beverages on the CTA. It is illegal. But these are probably the morons who eat and drink with abandon on public transportation, pretending they are in a dining car.

Understand that “Windy City” has nothing to do with weather. This is ridiculous. Who cares if people know this? Does TimeOut Chicago know how the city got that moniker or who coined it? If you are going to give advice, you should at least provide an explanation. I bet those dunderheads do not know the Chicago meaning of the “hawk.”

Scale back your use of the term “Chi.”First, I never ever heard anyone use the word Chi about Chicago. Secondly, real Chicagoans do not give a rat’s rear end what you call the city. Chi, Chi-Town, Chiraq, Murder City, Deadville, or whatever.

Know your ward number and your alderman’s name. Why? So you can impress your friends whilst drinking a triple decaf soy latte with three different syrups, topped with oat milk “whipped cream,” and rainbow sprinkles at Starf**ks? The only day you need those two bits of information is election day if by happenchance you vote.

Watch out for cyclists. This is partially correct, but they have it ass-backward. Cyclists should watch out for pedestrians, cars, and car doors. Most of those two-wheeled terrorists are oblivious to everything except their cardio pump. They violate traffic laws with abandon. Then, when one is killed by violating laws, they erect litter blight, those white bikes, to permanently commemorate the fallen. What, are these people heroes of the republic or something?

And Divvy riders—stay off the damn sidewalks. What about regular cyclists? Or are they allowed to break the law and ride on sidewalks? Most divvy riders weeble and wobble like children who just had their training wheels removed. What they should ask is, how much did Divvy bribe contribute to politicians to put those ridiculous contraptions all over the city? Divvy and others, including scooters, should be banned.

Try your best to stop talking about the weather constantly. Do these people think they are Emily F**king Post? Talk and complain about whatever you want, including the weather. No one is offended or thinks it is a faux pas. Real Chicagoans complain about the weather and everything else in this junkyard of a city. We are not happy if we do not have something to b**ch about.

Stop treating the South Side like an embarrassing family member we don’t talk about. This makes me want to vomit in my soup. It is proof these circle-jerk tweenagers have no clue about anything. Talk about whatever neighborhood you want. Bash it, trash it, or laud it. Mr. Rogers does not have a neighborhood here, thank the Great Comedian. Chicago is a city of neighborhoods, and we always had a healthy “neighborly” competition. Criticize all you want. REAL Chicagoans do not care. There is one exception. South Side versus North Side- Sox versus Cubs. That could get you stuffed headfirst into a trash bin.

Use escalators correctly. Oh please. Stay on the right so the mountain trekkers can climb on the left? Escalators are for riding. If you want to climb, USE THE F**KING STAIRS. Ride however you want. Hell, stand in the middle. Pass gas. Who gives a s**t?

Accept ketchup on hot dogs. No. Never, ever, ever. Never, ever, ever is a long, long, long time. There is a very specific reason you never put that Brit twit s**t on hotdogs. It has nothing to do with custom. Only people who have no taste buds put ketchup on hot dogs.

Know your local grocery stores. Really? Really? Do these crayon-wielding scribbling slap d**ks think people are as stupid as they are? Who does not know their local grocery store? How does one shop for food if they do not know their local grocery store, or if you are a real Chicagoan, plural?

Stop reenacting every movie ever made in Chicago. What adult or even teen does this? I never saw anyone do this, not even young drunks in bars. Maybe, just maybe, it is TimeOut Chicago’s secret obsession they do in the privacy of their most intimate space.

Be able to recommend one good pizza spot. Is pizza the only culinary delight in Chicago? Or is that all these acne pimple popping pus heads live on? What about a good pasta spot? Maybe a good Chinese, Ramen, Mexican, Uzbekistan, Thai, Polish, or a good diner? How about good f**king any kind of food spot. How many free pizzas did Pequod’s bribe the Timeout writers with for the shameless plug?

I get a kick every time these bed sharters write “advice” pieces about Chicago. If you take their advice, you will never be a real Chicagoan. You will never enjoy living here. You will always be a stranger, treated with disdain and ridicule. If you want to learn about Chicago, never read any advice from TimeOut Chicago.

Happy April Fool’s Day

Image: NASA

Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever.
(Charles Lamb)

Today is April Fool’s Day. Short story, the Gregorian Calendar superseded the Julian Calendar in the late 1500s. Both were solar calendars, but the Gregorian was more accurate. Depending on which history you read, many European countries were slow to adapt to the new calendar, which put New Year’s Day on January 1st. They either celebrated the New Year from March 25th through April 1st or on April 1st. Those who did not conform to the new calendar were called April Fools.

The whole history is a bunch of hogwash tainted with bulls**t. Pope Gregory and his Medieval clerics knew the Great Comedian created the human species last for a specific reason, sport. They knew this through divine intervention.

Everything on Earth was designed to kill humans. The Great Comedian could sit back, watch, enjoy, and laugh at his human creation, the first reality show, “Survival of the Fittest.”

The clerics created April Fool’s Day to humiliate humans for thinking they were superior beings. The Earth and all its methods to kill us off are considered inferior by humans and to be conquered. Only fools believe that humans, like other species, will not become extinct at some point in time.

Need proof? Humans were descended from other species. All are extinct. Our closest relative is the bonobo, which is endangered. It won’t be long, maybe hundreds or thousands of years, but we will be gone. If we do not wipe ourselves out first with weapons of mass destruction.

Only fools believe humans are the superior species. Today is the day to celebrate our foolishness. April Fool’s pranks were created to prove how stupid most humans are. Those clerics sure knew what they were doing when they established this day.

Think about this. Humans are the only species on Earth that purposefully kills members of their own species. We murder each other, start wars to mass murder people, and unleash diseases, toxins, and hazards. Natural disasters were not enough to satisfy the fools, so they foolishly created manmade disasters. Yeah, humans are some superior species alright.

Killing each other is a way of life for us. We created weapons of mass destruction to ensure we become extinct sooner. Horses have more sense than humans. They never bet on the human race.

Fools talk about saving the planet. The only thing that will save the Earth is the extinction of humans. The fools contributed nothing to the planet worth saving. Humans did their best and are still doing their best to destroy the pristine paradise the Great Comedian created. We pat ourselves on the back with national parks and other preserved places to make us feel better about the destruction we wreaked upon the Earth. Save the planet? What a crock of bulls**t.

The Great Comedian played his prank on us. He is somewhere on vacation, laughing his arse off and watching us contribute to our own extinction. Oh, and the planet? It will save itself until the next natural or terrestrial cataclysm takes it out.

Happy April Fool’s Day. If you are celebrating, remember to drink responsibly. Contrary to popular culture, the Great Comedian does take care of fools and drunks. He never has and never will.