The late comedian, George Carlin, posited, ‘Just think of how stupid the average people are and realize half of them are stupider than that.” The gag is proven repeatedly in good ole red, white, and blue ‘Merica, Land of the Less-on* and Home of the Half-wit.
Summer is coming to an end. For the past two weeks, there have been incessant ads for pumpkin-spiced drinks and other food items. Pumpkin spice was invented in a laboratory by that second-rate coffee chain, Spewf**ks, or something like that. One could wonder if that lab was a meth lab, as that fake spice is so addictive.
Drooling, slobbering, mindless zombies wait in long lines to get their fix of fake pumpkin spice. They pay big bucks for the privilege. Dunkin Donuts has that crap too, as do other places. Pumpkin spice is everywhere, even in beer and liquors. Maybe these establishments should start open-air pumpkin spice markets for their addicts.
There is only one place for pumpkin spice, in pumpkin pies. But the rubes and unwashed masses suck that crap up like meth addicts. Lab-created pumpkin spice should be considered a Schedule 1 drug like heroin or coke and banned by the federal government.
Stores started stocking Halloween decorations, costumes, and other items in early August. They also sell another disgusting treat. Candy corn. Candy corn, which resembles rat pellets and has the texture of earwax, is another horrid treat that makes me want to blow chow. The original name for Candy Corn was Chicken Feed. Evidently, chickens would not touch the stuff. They marketed it as candy because children will eat anything called candy.
Last year Hormel, who makes SPAM®, introduced SPAM® Figgy Pudding. According to the company, “SPAM® Figgy Pudding brings a blend of warm spices and seasonal ingredients that will be the star in many wintertime recipe favorites. With notes of cinnamon and nutmeg combined with fig and orange flavors, you’ll taste true holiday comfort that will have you caroling all season long.” It sold out within days of its introduction.
‘Mericans throughout this country will make this a national holiday treasure. When Food & Wine has an article on it, you know foodies will try to score it. Members of the White Christian Nationalist Crystal Methodist Church of ‘Merica proclaimed SPAM® Figgy Pudding as a gift from above, manna from heaven. They offer it at Communion., the Great Comedian’s holy joke.
This country’s consumers are like its voters. They are clodpoles and chowderheads. There is not an ounce of intelligence in these people. Companies rely on this. They profit off the stupidity of the average ‘Merican consumer just like our politicians do.
These consumers should all wear “I’M WITH STUPID” tee shirts so they can be easily identified and shunned.
*Less-on is lower than a moron.