Author: pvbella

“Don’t be a jagoff! Brush up on all of the essential Chicago lingo with our helpful dictionary.” (TimeOut Chicago)

Speaking of jagoffs, TimeOut Chicago should give the solo flyers who write for them a time out in dark corners with dunce hats. The “editors” put together a piece, “20 slang words that every Chicagoan should know.” Originally published in March 2020, they shared it on their Facebook page the other day.

It is pure garbage for the most part. I would grade it a D- and send the little jagoffs off to detention. 

If you want to learn anything about Chicago, do not read TimeOut Chicago or Chicago Magazine, for that matter. They are not the definitive go-to publications for anything Chicago. They really should remove Chicago from the mastheads and replace it with “The Idiot’s Guide to Nothing and Nowhere.”

Slang: n- a type of language that consists of words and phrases that are regarded as very informal, are more common in speech than writing, and are typically restricted to a particular context or group of people. Ex. Dope(s) is slang for TimeOut Chicago editors. 

Most of what they describe as local “lingo” or slang is not. A little research would dig up real Chicago slang. The little onanists probably used picture books, like the Kama Sutra, for research while coloring them with their boxes of crayolas. They got a little extra tingle when they sniffed the box. 

Bungalows are not single-story homes with slanted roofs. The bungalow is a specific architectural design that can be one or two stories. Bungalow roofs are not just slanted. They have different shapes, unlike the brains of the self-abusing TimeOut editors.

Chicago Mix® was a registered brand name of caramel corn, not a slang term.

Pedway has a formal definition. It is not slang. It is a generally accepted portmanteau. Pedways are over, or underground pedestrian walkways are found all over the world. Pedways are not only found in Chicago. They are not part of the local lingo, contrary to what the little wankers at TimeOut Chicago believe.

A coach house is not a small apartment located in the rear of a property. It is a small or large house, usually the original home, on the property. It is a f**king house, not an apartment unless it is above a garage that used to be a barn or stable. The editors must have come up with this during a circle jerk.

Chicago handshake? I never heard of that drink. The Chicago handshake is a warm greeting a close friend or “associate” gives before he kills you, per the Mob’s orders. They have not killed anyone in a long time.

The El is called the L now and has been for over two years. Update your style manual.

Mild sauce is not slang. It is the name of a sauce. Geez, are soy, tomato, bearnaise, and pesto sauces are slang too?

Jagoff is not only a term of derision. It is also a friendly term, like when laughing with a pal, you say, “You really are a jagoff.” When discussing TimeOut Chicago, I always refer to them as those jagoffs.

Every time the wankers at TimeOut Chicago write something about Chicago, they get it wrong. The problem is their readership is made up of gullible people dumber than the editors. They believe the nonsense. Maybe the editors at TimeOut Chicago should spend less time under their blankets, humming, and more time doing real research.

If you really want. To learn Chicago lingo, here ya go.

“The US Food & Drug Administration tweeted on Saturday: “You are not a horse. You are not a cow. Seriously, y’all. Stop it.” (CNN)

You have to love those precious quaint folks living in Bubbaland. Man, they find cures for every little dang thing. Sometimes, they root for herbs and medicinal plants like wild pigs. There is also moonshine, a cure-all for just about anything that ails you, even hangovers. They come up with concoctions, salves, poultices, and tonics for all types of human and animal ailments.

When all else fails, they turn to the preachers from those good ole home time religions, like the First Assembly Crystal Methodist Church. The preachers can sicken the healthy, make the ambulatory lame, the blind hear, the deaf see, and empty bank accounts faster than a slot machine at a casino. 

Due to their knowledge of animal husbandry, Bubbalanders also find veterinary pharmaceutical cures for human ailments. “Hell, if it’s good enuf fer Ole Bessie or Ole Plowboy, it must be good enuf fer us.”

In the realm of you can’t make this stuff up, those good ole flag-waving, God-fearing country folk in Mississippi, found a cure and preventative medicine for COVID-19, Ivermectin. Ivermectin is used to treat parasites in humans and livestock. The country folk scientists determined the Ivermectin dosage for livestock can cure or prevent COVID, kinda sorta better than that gummint approved vaccination. Ivermectin for livestock has a highly concentrated dosage which can cause minor to severe side effects in humans.

Human toxicity from such a high dosage includes nausea and vomiting, rash, abdominal pain, various other disorders, and hepatitis. Those vaccinations have side effects too, and micro-chips, along with turning your body into a magnet. Ivermectin does none of that.

The Mississippi Board of Health warns Bubbas and bubbettes against using Ivermectin for livestock to treat or prevent COVID-19. The FDA has not approved Ivermectin in either form for the treatment or prevention of COVID-19. Do they know more than those country folk practitioners?

If the FDA is against using the drug, it must work. They are part of the foul swamp of gummint, in cheap motel beds with Big Pharma. Only drugs developed by Big Pharma are approved for prevention and cures. Ole homey type concoctions or approved veterinary pharmaceuticals must be harmful. Who trusts the gummint anyway? Why not give it a try, since most in Bubbaland are anti-mask and anti-vaccination? 

This is the same kind of “thinking” infecting many politicians representing or governing Bubbaland. Freedumb loving politicians like Ron DeSantis, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Josh Hawley, Matt Gaetz, Rand Paul, Lauren Boebert, Greg Abbot, to name a few. By Monday, one or more may demand investigative hearings to find out why the FDA and CDC refuse to approve livestock Ivermectin for the treatment or prevention of COVID-19. If folks believe it works, it must work. You know, science and all that. Case closed.

It is sad when the FDA has to remind humans, they are not farm animals and do it with Southern charm, so they comprehend it. Maybe these quaint people and their politicians should watch the most educational video ever made in ‘Merica. They might learn an essential intellectual lesson.

Disclaimer: I know it is not woke to make fun of or stereotype our Southern and Southwestern country folk. But, when they and their elected officials come up with asinine solutions to serious issues, they stereotype themselves. I make no apologies. 

“Freedumb: A totally nonsensical and asinine belief (of many Americans) that freedom means you can literally do anything you want, including violating other peoples’ rights. I have the freedumb to give you a disease!”  (Urban Dictionary)

One must admire those flag-waving, freedumb loving, Nazi-hating patriots who want to visit Chicago from someplace else. They want the freedumb to refuse to wear masks, get vaccinated, or provide vaccination documents when requested.  

Today is Mask Day in Chicago, again. Due to increasing daily rates of COVID in Chicago, masking is mandated again at all indoor public places. There were warnings by various government health officials and researchers that COVID was not going away soon.

The causes for the increased spread in Chicago are attributed to people refusing to get vaccinated, especially in specific zip codes where the virus is rampant. We need to stop the spread and drive down the numbers so we can return to normal. The only way to stop the spread now is to wear masks and get vaccinated.

There is still stubborn resistance to masking and vaccinations from many people in some freedumb loving suburbs. The problem is suburbanites travel to Chicago for work, shopping, and entertainment. Chicagoans travel to the suburbs for the same reasons. Those suburban malls have Sirens that enchant and lure them in. These migrations can cause further spread of COVID.

I do not understand this freedumb resistance. What will it take to convince people that prevention and vaccination is the only way we can all stay safe?

We are not only responsible for ourselves. We are responsible for each other. Wearing a mask is only an inconvenience. Mandates are not a violation of civil rights. They do not inhibit your freedumb. They are common-sense prevention.

Stop wrapping yourself in the flag- which is unpatriotic- and start wearing the damn mask. Just think of it as Halloween every day. Make it fun, though trick or treating may not be advised. Please do not get too childish and play cops and robbers.

Freedumb has a long history. Illinois freedumb fighters fought seatbelt, motorcycle helmets, and TSA mandates, along with a host of other directives, laws, or advice to keep people safe. Look how many people refuse to heed safety advice to wear helmets while riding bicycles because of freedumb.

I do understand freedom and absolute rights. You are free and have the absolute right to get sick, suffer horribly, and die. I would never inhibit anyone’s freedumb from suffering and dying. I am a good, patriotic American. However, you do not have the absolute right to spread diseases like street hookers spread STDs. You do not have the absolute right to cause others to suffer and die. 

If you want to suffer and die, be my guest. In your case, thinning the herd is herd immunity. Just do not try to take me with you. I am reverting to my STAY THE F**K AWAY FROM ME mandate to any unmasked or persons whose vaccination status is unknown. I do not care about tender, sensitive feelings or the feelings of anyone around, including the ears of nearby children.

I choose to be free. Free from disease, ignorance, and utter stupidity. You can have your freedumb to suffer and die. Just STAY THE F**K away from me. 

The news blew up this week with the humanitarian crisis unfolding in Afghanistan. Video and photos of thousands of people rushing to the airport in hopes of getting out. People were climbing on taxiing Air Force jets, hoping against hope. Purported pictures of people falling to their deaths from planes after take-off.

Journalists consulted their assignment editor, Twitter, for the latest news or videos coming out of Afghanistan.

This is the latest media barrage of humanitarian crises from someplace else. Before this, it was the tragic earthquake in Haiti. Hurricanes, cyclones, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, wildfires that create humanitarian crises dominate the news with tragedy, death, and destruction. There is a never-ending humanitarian crisis at the Mexican border and immigrants risking their lives to get into other countries.

On and on, we are assaulted by these crises. People weep, start crowdfunding, try to find a way, any way, to help, even if it is only posting their drivel on social media- “Pray for whatever or wherever,” with images of candles, crosses, or Jesus. They forget Jesus and his Father went on vacation eons ago. They are enjoying themselves watching the lunatic asylum they created.

There is a citywide humanitarian crisis in the Chicago wasteland of blind ignorance. The homeless problem in Chicago is exponentially growing and has been for several years. There are large encampments throughout the city. One or two tents are dotting some of the smaller parks and other public spaces.

The larger encampments form their own communities. The residents make rules so they can live together in some semblance of safety and harmony. Occasionally, the city uses the police to assist Streets and Sanitation in cleaning these areas. Sometimes there are struggles as the homeless try to save what little they have before the pressure washers start their tasks.

The homeless are treated like urban blight by the politicians and citizens in this city.

Every day is a struggle. The local news media ignores them, for the most part. Their agenda is to follow the national bleeding headlines and run with them. They toss around phrases like systemic this or that, national reckoning on something or other, the root causes of God knows what, or whatever phrase they can gin up with to go viral nationwide. It is all about ratings and clickbait.

Once in a great while, they will do a story on the plight of the homeless. They will drag out their experts with no expertise to explain the situation and possible solutions. There will be photos or B-rolls of encampments. Maybe even an interview or two, edited for time and clarity.

The homeless problem is nothing new in Chicago. The enormity of the issue is. This city struggles with solutions to mitigate homelessness, as it grows, with failure after failure. The only time politicians and bureaucrats show empathy is when their mugs are in front of news cameras. They would prefer the homeless disappear, living someplace else.

Politicians love to show up at public relations stunts with hard hats and shovels, touting the latest real estate development. Some laud developers who build low-income or transit-oriented housing. None show up at homeless camps or encourage developers to create some form of accommodation, partnering with public and non-profit social service agencies.

There are many organizations and individuals trying to help, feeding, providing clothing, medical and dental care, and some social services. It is never enough. They range from major organizations like the Salvation Army and Catholic Charities to individuals who cook and distribute meals.

Winter is the worst time of year for homeless people. Chicago winters are brutal. There are not enough shelters. Most only allow overnight stays. Some city warming centers get overcrowded, especially police stations, libraries, and other facilities.

We are more concerned with crises in other places while ignoring what is before our eyes. Seeking the causes of homelessness are as elusive as seeking the causes of violent crime in Chicago. No one, even so-called experts, has answers or solutions.

We tend to blame the homeless for their situation. They are mentally ill, refusing to get help, or made bad life choices. Whatever the reasons, they are still human.

The homeless are a marginalized population. They are not public relations marginalized like other groups. There is no homeless flag to fly from government buildings proudly, no Homeless Lives Matter groups or signs, and no mass social justice protests to change their plight. Maybe someone could sell lawn signs to post all over the city, “Homelessness Has No Home Here.”

Elected officials offer no hope, some way off the streets and out of the tents, some way to transition people into a residence. We pick and choose what to care about, weep over, provide assistance, or give “aid”. It is rare for people in our city. We care more about people from some place else.

No one chooses to be homeless. We choose to ignore them.

Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s administration celebrated raising 1.1 million dollars through the city’s speed cameras, set at six miles per hour over the limit. Whew, we should be glad the city raised so much money with no indication the lowered limit made us safer.

Motorists are slammed with parking tickets for expired parking boxes. We should be happy people are punished for parking too long in one spot. They must be a threat to society.

No one is looking into the systemic root causes of speeding, parking violations, and municipal theft. Minor speeding and parking violations bring in kachingos to the city. There is no reckoning over the municipal robbery happening in Chicago.

Money talks bulls**t walks in this city.

Violent crime is turning the streets across the city into war zones. This administration is stumbling and bumbling along over this violent summer. Bringing in the kachingos is more important than public safety and human life. So, celebrate City Hall. You earned it. Break out the champagne and pop the corks.

People are being shot almost every two minutes and murdered nearly every 11 minutes in Chicago. Armed and strong-armed robberies are up. There were nearly 1000 carjackings this year. Violent crimes do not bring in the kachingos, so no one at City Hall cares. Even if they reduced violent crime, there would be no celebration. No dough, no party.

1967 was the Summer of Love. 2021 is the Summer of Violence. The root causes given for these crimes are lame excuses and alibis. The city and supposed experts have no idea why this year is so violent. It is unfortunate, so many people believe the “experts.”

The people committing these crimes run the gamut of formerly incarcerated people, street gang members, drug dealers, parolees, people out on probation, low bonds or electronic monitoring, young groups of men and women, teens, and pre-teens. Many are committing their first crimes, including murders.

The murder and shooting victims range from senior citizens to infants. There is no reckoning for them.

The city is solving the perilous six miles per hour over the limit speeders and is successfully raking in the money. They are cracking down on the parkers, who are a dangerous threat to others looking for a parking space. These are the systemic root causes of bringing kachingos into the city’s coffers.

City Hall cannot curb the violence plaguing Chicago. There is no money in that. In the city of Chicago, cash is king. It is more valuable than life. So, celebrate with City Hall. Celebrate with the people robbing and stealing from the citizes. Celebrate they are not killing or wounding people for the money.

We know the systemic root causes of crime in Chicago. They are municipal greed and apathy.

Party hearty Mayor Lightfoot.

“I think our media plays a very important role in our democracy, but you lose me, you lose me when it’s a race to the bottom and it’s all about the fight and it’s all about the conflict,” she said. “I’ve got to tell you, some of the reporting I’ve seen this week is just sickening. We all need to ask ourselves what we can do better to show our people everywhere that we have the capacity to be human beings again.” (Chicago MayorLori Lightfoot)

We try to give public officials the benefit of the doubt, hoping they will do right by us. We want to trust what they say.  We try to have confidence they have the public’s best interest at heart. Even though this is Chicago, where politics, public service, and press conferences are tall tales.

For the most part, the local news media gives officials a wide berth with the benefit of the doubt. They only pile on in disbelief when things go south. Scandals turn the news media into swarming tabloid sharks looking for blood in the water. It lasts for a while, then things return to normal, the benefit of the doubt returns.

Mayor Lori Lightfoot was skating on thin ice for the benefit of the doubt department. She finally lost that benefit this week. So did Superintendent of Police David Brown and First Deputy Superintendent Eric Carter.

During a press conference on the city budget, the mayor criticized the reportage over the events that played out after the tragic murder of Officer Ella French. She needs to be right, and she will be right, no matter how wrong she is. The press must report her correct(ed) version of events versus the facts. She also told reporters to check or be careful of their sources.

The mayor claimed the press lost her. She has it backward. She lost the press. She, like mayors before her, is trying to bully the news media. It is not going to work. She lost the benefit of the doubt of some alderpersons, who she needs to get things done.

Mayor Lightfoot lost the rank and file of the Chicago Police Department, their families, and all the people they have influence over. That is tens of thousands of voters. David Brown and Eric Carter lost the credibility that they are competent or compassionate.

Crime is rampant and out of control all over Chicago. Murder, mayhem, carjackings, robberies, and other crimes are several times a day occurrences. According to HeyJackass, which interprets hard data about crime, a person is shot every 1:56. A person is murdered every 10:44. So far this year, 2774 people were shot. Firearms killed 475.

Lightfoot and Brown sailed along on the benefit of the doubt granted by citizens and the news media. They were given a wide swath of the benefit of the doubt for too long. We ate up the excuses, gangs, guns, drug dealers. The pandemic. Root causes. Systemic somethings or other. We listened or read their well-crafted words created by PR weasels. We tried hard to believe, even though things kept getting worse.

By the way, Lightfoot claimed that Eric Carter was not a member of “Friends and family.” He worked and earned his position. This was not only a lie, it was a laughable lie. No First Deputy Superintendent of the Chicago Police Department is appointed by their resume. They all had clout. They all knew or were related to one or more powerful people. They all were part of the friends and family club.

When the lies were refuted, the mayor doubled down, covering for Carter. It only got worse. Superintendent Brown got an earful at a gathering of police officers in McCormick place. He claimed he heard their complaints, understood their anger, and did what he always does, nothing. Brown is a good listener and slick talker. Those are his only two qualities.

Chicago Police Officers are overworked, twelve-hour days with days off canceled over and over again. They are discouraged, frustrated, and stressed to the maximum. There is no morale left. The esprit de corps is broken. They only have each other. They cannot rely on their executive leadership or City Hall.

These were the bitter end to benefit the doubt for the mayor, Brown, and Carter. The cops do not believe them, and too many citizens, especially family members of violent crime victims, do not believe them.

Lori Lightfoot won 49 out of 50 wards when she ran for mayor. She lost many of those wards over her conduct this past year. If she decides to run again, her chances of winning reelection are slim.

Lightfoot’s only credible bright spot was her handling of the COVID pandemic. Unlike other big-city mayors, she made the hard decisions early, shutting the city down. She worked with the governor, partnering her health experts with his. She remained calm in the face of rising cases and deaths. When she disagreed with the governor, she did not turn it into a war of words. Her mandates kept us healthy, for the most part. If she ran the rest of the city the way she managed the pandemic, she might still have the benefit of the doubt.