Month: November 2021

Thanksgiving is in the rearview mirror. The meal was a success, and the leftovers were just fine. I was surprised how fast people put up their Christmas decorations. Still, in pandemic mode, people need to start celebrating early.

I survived Black Friday. My debit and credit cards stayed safely in my wallet, and I stayed in my home. I hate crowds, especially the hordes of shoppers who descend on stores grabbing everything they can get their paws on. I survived Cyber Monday too. By the end of the day, there was no money spent online. I do not follow the hordes, herds, or masses of chromosomal defective morons who believe they are getting a bargain.

Hanukkah began for our Jewish brethren.  We are preparing for the Christmas and New Year’s celebrations. It seems every year there is a frenzy to shop till you drop, people buying stuff they do not need or want. It is the season of giving followed by the season of getting- those credit card bills with high-interest rates, taking all year to pay off.

The holidays create a lot of anxiety for people. Shopping for gifts, planning feasts, going to parties, drinking to excess, hangovers, praying we did not do or say anything embarrassing, who to invite or not to celebrations, decorating, what to do with the gift of fruitcake, and other significant and insignificant issues.

Let’s slow down. There is plenty of time to get things done without breaking the bank or worrying about Christmas dinner. Like anything else, remember the 7 Ps- Proper Planning and Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance. There is plenty of time to plan and prepare. You do not have to get things done in one day or at the last minute.

Make lists of the people you will buy gifts for, what to buy each, and where to shop for them, whether online or in stores. Do not waste time and effort wandering around stores or malls looking for the right gift. If stores offer gift wrapping, take advantage of it. If possible, shop local in the small businesses in your neighborhood. You can find unique gifts while supporting these entities.

You do not have to decorate your home in one day. Do it in stages. Put a few decorations inside or outside over days. Decorate to your heart’s content. Just do not turn it into a marathon chore.

Like Thanksgiving, planning the feast is difficult. Who to invite, not to invite, or whose dinner you will attend? Once again, plan and prepare. If you are entertaining, figure out now who will be invited and when the event starts. Will it be an all-day affair, brunch, or dinner? Create a menu and make a list of items you will need. Shop for the non-perishables, buying a few every time you are in the store. Order the meat or poultry ahead to ensure you will get what you want.

Prep as much as you can a few days before. Do not be shy about asking people to bring sides, alcohol, or desserts. Do not turn down offers from guests either. It makes things easier. If you are a baker, you can do much of that ahead too.

Figure out ahead of time your service. Will it be buffet or table? A buffet is more effortless if you have the space. The object of the game is to reduce stress and enjoy your holiday feast without getting frazzled or breaking the bank.

Make your Christmas merry instead of hairy.

As an aside, people leave out cookies and cocoa for Santa in hopes he will leave great gifts. Me, I leave out bourbon and bacon. I am never disappointed. Just sayin.

The holiday season starts with Thanksgiving and goes through Super Bowl Sunday. It is a time of merriment, cheer, parties, and overindulgence. Sometimes the dissipation is of Bacchanalian proportions.

The problems with these levels of alcoholic overindulgences are extreme embarrassment, people talking, people posting things on social media, memory loss, especially if you do not remember if you made a fool of yourself, and the very real possibility you can get fired if it was a company event. There is also the dreaded hangover, for which there is no real cure.

In the spirit of all the various holidays, here is some helpful expert advice, ahem, based on my observations through the decades of holiday celebrations.

You do not have to drink every last drop of booze from every bottle at the party. Be polite. Remember etiquette. Other lushes want to drink as much if not more than you. Spread the cheer, alcohol-induced sickness, and hangovers around. Do not be a selfish savage.

If you are going to drink, stick with one kind of drink. You do not have to try everything someone puts into your hand. Forget the shots too. The fastest way to hugging the porcelain is to put all kinds of different alcohol and mixers in your system. Jell-O shots or any drinks made with fruit punch or other highly sweetened so-called juices should be avoided.

Remember, this is the age of smartphones and social media. Your boss, spouse, partner, children, or other family members will not want to see that picture of you guzzling booze from the bottle, throwing up on the carpet, or passed out on the floor cradling empties.

Speaking of smartphones, the last thing you want is your fat arsed plumbers crack or the top of your thong and tramp stamp all over Facebook because of your drunken dirty dancing, especially if the photos are tagged.

Keep yourself hydrated. Hydrated means drinking water between cocktails, not beer chasers. Nibble, snack, and eat during your course of drinking. Putting all that booze on an empty stomach is a harbinger of disaster. It may cause an all too early end to your festivities.

Do not drink and drive. God made cabs for drunks who own cars. Take a taxi or rideshare to and from your drunken revelry. Drinking and driving can have tragic or lethal consequences. If you are lucky enough to be stopped by the police, drunk driving can have costly consequences. Legal fees are not cheap. It may cost you well over ten thousand dollars if you are convicted, including fines and the vastly higher insurance rates.

Take cabs if you plan to drink. Oh, and write down your home address on your hand. If you are too inebriated to speak coherently, you can show the cab driver the address.

If you are stumbling home from a neighbor’s party and need to clear your head, the worst thing you can do is stick it into a snowbank. You may not be able to get your head out, or you may sink lower into the bank and get stuck. While your upper body is immobilized, your legs will be kicking like a dying cockroach. Aside from the various unconcerned people who will pass you by, you are a perfect target for a dog who needs a place to lift its leg. The dog owner may have a smartphone too. Then again, some people with a warped sense of humor may steal your shoes or, worse, your pants. Imagine your ugly bare feet and legs sticking out of a snowbank.

Last but not least, the dreaded hangover. Look, there are no real cures. There are ways to mitigate some of the symptoms until your body processes the overabundance of alcohol in your system. When you peel your eyelids open, sit up slowly from wherever you slept. Ease out of bed, off the floor, out of the bathtub, or off the couch.

Hydrate. Once again, hydration is water, not the hairs of the various dogs that bit you. Another good rule is to stock up ahead of time on sports drinks. Sip them slowly to get electrolytes back into your system. Go back to bed or wherever you feel most comfortable and try to get more sleep.

If you must drag your bedraggled, hungover, pale, bloodshot-eyed self into work the following day, do not ask stupid questions like, “Did I do anything foolish last night.” The pathetic looks and muffled giggling will tell you all you need to know. So will the security guard who escorts you from the building because you got fired for drunkenly and obscenely hitting on the boss’s spouse, mistress, or family member.

The holiday season is a time for merriment, cheer, and goodwill towards your fellow man. If you overdo the goodwill and cheer, you might end up working at Goodwill.

I never understood Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving shopping orgy. America is a nation of unenlightened halfwits, buying crap they do not need with money they do not have at supposed sale prices, loading themselves up with credit card debt for no good reason.

Consumption is an American pastime. The only American value is buying things people do not need because they are supposedly cheap.

Before dawn, people get to the big box stores and malls to stand or sit in line in the cold, waiting for the stores to open. Some bring tents or heaters. When the doors open, they run into the stores like packs of pissed-off predators. Sometimes the charge resembles the running of the bulls in Spain. Fights break out over merchandise. Then after waiting to get in the store, battling to fill their carts, people wait in long lines to check out. I just do not get it. What is the appeal?

It is hard to tell if people are buying gifts for others or more junk for themselves. They get a bigger TV than they bought last year or some other electronics with minor upgrades. They buy toys for the kiddies and all kinds of other junk. They think they are getting a deal when they are getting the shaft. Americans are easily conned. Just look at the pathetic people they vote for.

Look, most of these people spend almost every weekend at the mall. Why is Black Friday so special? Why would they spend what they do not have on sales that are anything but in one day? Then store all that junk so they can do it all over the next year.

Then there is Cyber Monday when the non-thinking schlubs can shop for supposed online bargains. The only difference between these two days is people cannot participate in America’s second pastime, stuffing their maws with junk food at the malls. Instead of corn dogs, funnel cakes, and ice cream, they are stuck with the leftover turkey and dressing.

What drives this insatiable urge to shop until you drop, and spend money you do not have on stuff that will become junk when the next sale crops up? Consumerism is not the only American pastime. Storing or getting rid of junk from the last sale runs parallel to buying. It is a never-ending cycle.

I never participated in these Black Friday sales. I hate waiting in long lines. I will not wait in a long line to get into a store or to cash out. I hate crowds, especially crowds of halfwits with their halfwit spouses and their hellspawn. I do not need or want anything so badly that I will put up with or must fight over it. I hate traffic jams in shopping areas and parking lots.

I buy my gifts throughout the year, in person or online. One by one. I put them away until it is time to wrap them. I do not buy electronic junk or other popular crap that entices the unenlightened morons.

While the mentally deficient are out all day today, waiting in lines and shopping, I am home, eating delicious leftovers for lunch. Most of my shopping is finished anyway.

“What I love about Thanksgiving is that it’s purely about getting together with friends or family and enjoying food. It’s really for everybody, and it doesn’t matter where you’re from.” (Chef Daniel Humm)

The Thanksgiving feast debate going on for over a month was finally settled. There was no debate over the “traditional” dressing, sides, potatoes, or cranberry sauce. The discussion, as in past years, was over turkey. It appears I am the only one who likes turkey. Ham was also out, as that may be the center of the Christmas feast.

I tried to compromise with boned-out turkey thighs stuffed or cooked paillard style- pounded thin and topped with shaved vegetables. That was voted down. I can understand the anti-turkey faction. Over the decades, we cooked turkey in every way conceivable. It gets boring and is more work than we want to do. There is the problem of two or three days of leftovers. Also, due to the supply chain issues, prices are higher, and turkey is about one-third waste- the bones.

This year’s choice is tri-tip roasts, two, enough to feed the small gathering of picky eaters. There will be roasted vegetables, beet greens salad, dressing- a must, sweet potatoes, and other sides. I will make the roasts and garnish them with jus and mushrooms. I may make an Italian salsa verde to accompany the roasts.

The roasts were ordered ahead and picked up. The final shopping is finished. I love shopping as much as cooking. It is where I get inspiration and make last-minute adjustments if something catches my eye.

I get nostalgic this time of year. I remember the family celebrations with my parents and extended family. There was turkey, dressing, ham, various sides, maybe a pan of lasagna or ravioli. The meal ended with a bowl of oranges, grapes, nuts, and fennel. Then, coffee and dessert were served. Christmas Day was a similar feast.

I remember the look on my parent’s faces as they spent the day putting the feast together. They were looks of joy. They were happiest watching everyone eating. It looked like so much work, but they made it look effortless. I share their passion for feeding people. I, too, am an effortless cook. Sometimes I enjoy the process more than eating the meal.

Thanksgiving is unlike any other holiday. It has no religious or patriotic connotations. It is one day when the feast is the star. It is a day we share the love by cooking to feed family and friends. It is a day set aside to celebrate gratitude.

We live in troubled times with real or contrived issues swirling around us. Sometimes it appears there is more anger and angst than joy in our lives. We forget all we have to be grateful for. Setting aside one day to celebrate gratitude. It is a quaint concept.

Maybe tomorrow, when we gather, we can leave the tumult outside, not allowing the outside world into our homes. Gather with your family and friends, enjoy the feast, share the love, and be grateful for all you have, especially the people sitting at your table.

Happy Thanksgiving.

“The cold limestone edifice of the Bishop’s Mausoleum stands on a bluff overlooking Mount Carmel Cemetery in Hillside. A bronze statue of the angel Gabriel sits atop blowing a trumpet, and if you could stand next to him, you would look out on the Chicago skyline.” (Chicago Tribune)

On Sunday, the Chicago Archdiocese opened the Bishops Mausoleum to the public to commemorate the 25th anniversary of Cardinal Bernardin’s death. The mausoleum is on a hill overlooking the Mr. Carmel Cemetery in Hillside, Illinois.

The first Archbishop of Chicago, Patrick Feehan, conceived the idea for the museum as a burial place for Archdiocesan bishops. He died in 1902. His successor, Archbishop James Quigley, commissioned the mausoleum. The mausoleum was constructed between 1905-1912. 

The mausoleum was designed by architect William Brinkmann in the Romanesque style on the outside with a domed Romanesque Classical chapel inside.  The roof is a pyramid shape with a sculpture of the Angel Gabriel blowing his horn.

Aristide Leonori, a renowned religious architect, designed the interior. Leonori relied on marble and mosaics to give the chapel a Roman look. He referenced Celtic, Nordic and Slavic saints in the design, reflecting the archdiocese’s many ethnic groups.

The chapel includes an altar, religious murals, clerestory windows, and crypts flanking each side of the altar. There are also Papal and US Flags.

“The clergy buried in the mausoleum are: Bishop William Quarter, the first bishop of Chicago; Bishop James Duggan, the fourth bishop of Chicago; Archbishop Patrick Feehan; Archbishop James Quigley; Archbishop William O’Brien, auxiliary bishop of Chicago who was the first Catholic bishop in the United States not to head a diocese to be named an archbishop; Cardinal Samuel Stritch, the fourth archbishop of Chicago; and Cardinal John Cody, sixth archbishop of Chicago.” (Archdiocese of Chicago News Release)

Cardinal Bernardin requested to be buried next to Cardinal Cody, as his philosophy was to the left of Cody.

Some of us native-born Chicagoans have a language all our own. I wrote two pieces on this a while ago. You can read them here and here.

I thought I would translate some of these Chicagoisms.

Canoodle means a couple being seen having a PDA moment, cuddling, and kissing. It is used by a long-time society Chicago columnist.

Boodle is graft or bribes

Boondoggle(s)- civic projects- that have no real purpose or value, usually the result of graft to benefit contractors.

The most popular member of the Chicago Blackhawks– The one guy who always gets applause when he comes on the ice is the Zamboni operator.

What a deuce, fin, saw, double saw, half a century, and a century is- 2 dollars, 5 dollars, 10 dollars, 20 dollars, 50 dollars, 100 dollars.

Buying a hat, pen, pencil, or tie are terms of bribery.

The Whome tribe is an indigenous group of Chicagoans known for one phrase when they are called, especially when they are called by name, Who Me? They dispersed all over the city.

Real Chicagoans know the difference between a sandwich, sanguich, and samich. A sandwich is just some meat between two slices of that squishy nasty sandwich bread AKA American bread. A sanguich is a meal between two slices of good crusty Italian or French-style bread. A classic submarine or Italian beef are examples of sanguciches. A sammich is the African American version of a sanguich.

A stoop is the front porch or front stairs where Chicagoans sit and socialize. The original stoop was the door sill before steps and porches came along.

The frunch room is an east European pronunciation of the front room or living room. Other Chicagoans picked it up.

Why do you never ever put ketchup on a Chicago hot dog? The original hot dogs were developed by Eastern European sausage makers. They had distinctive spice blends. Ketchup, because of its sweetness, would cover the taste of the spices. There is one exception to this taboo. Those grocery store hot dogs made by that company with that long yellow vehicle and that song- “I wish I was an…wiener” Those crappy dogs need all the help they can get.

The two busiest days at Jim’s Original, when it was on Maxwell Street, were Easter and Mother’s Day.

A listen sandwich is a pig ear sandwich usually found in some African American BBQ places.

A bucket of blood is a drinking establishment known for bloody violence.

Round Chicago pizza is cut into small squares is also called tavern pizza. It was developed by the wives of Italian bar owners to feed and keep people in the bars later in the night. The squares made the pizzas easier to eat. Many of the bars turned into pizzerias.

Trunk music is not extra-large bass throbbing speakers in a car trunk. The Chicago Outfit used to put bodies of their associates or other victims in the trunks of their cars. The cars were parked where they could be found.

Teef(s), hoor(s), yoot(s)– A teef is a thief or teeth. Hoor is a whore/ prostitute. Yoot is a youth. The terms were mostly used by old-school police officers.

A mouse is a black eye. It is believed the term came from boxing sports journalists.

Boats are shoes. “Nice boats man.”

Confinement was a term used to transport a woman in labor to the hospital- confinement- by the police or fire departments.

Goo Goo is a pejorative meaning good-government types. It is what corrupt Chicago politicians called reformers.

Ward heelers are people who do various tasks for aldermen and committeemen, usually precinct captains and their assistants.

A bagman is a person who collects bribes and delivers them. They could be city employees or other trusted people.

“I was away at college.” This was a phrase members and associates of organized crime used to refer to being away in prison. It is believed to evolve from the high-ranking member of the Chicago Outfit, Murray “the Camel” Humphreys. When he was sent to prison it was reported he said he might study some algebra and geometry.